Home » Blog

Neighbours and the Climate Emergency

Tuesday July 16th, 2019 in Climate emergency, Television | No Comments »

If the world stays on its current trajectory for warming, analysts predict that by century’s end, our planet will not support human civilization as we know it. There is a significant risk of societal breakdown by 2050.

But what would this mean for the Australian drama Neighbours? The effects of global warming include rising temperatures, severe weather events and social disintegration. These are already rampant in Erinsborough. If global warming exceeds 1.5C, these will get significantly worse. Below is a discussion of some of the effects of global warming on Erinsborough.

Rising Temperatures and severe weather events

Erinsborough currently exists in a bizarre Melbourne micro-climate where people relax by the outdoor pool in mid-winter and no one needs a jumper.

This is perfectly pleasant, however, a rise in average temperatures means longer and more severe heat waves. Vulnerable residents will be severely affected. Remember the time Susan tried to go to the shopping centre, her car broke down, her MS was triggered, and she nearly died on the road? It’s going to be like that but there’ll be no one to come to the rescue (see emergency and medical services).

Erinsborough is frequently rocked be severe weather events during which Murphy’s Law is in full operation. For example, during the 2014 tornado Susan had to give Lou an emergency tracheotomy instructed remotely by Dr Karl. Afterwards, the street was a real mess. As these weather events become more frequent due to global warming it will become more difficult to cleanup and rebuild, particularly as insurance systems fail and governments are unable to provide assistance.

Bushfires will also be more frequent and the bushfire season longer. This sort of thing has really ruined picnics for the Neighbours in the past.

Water and food shortages

Reduced rainfall and droughts will lead to food and water shortages. This will be bad because the Ramsay Street residents need to eat and drink. Ordering takeaway with all the trimmings is going to be completely out of the question, even for Terese Willis.

Emergency and medical services

Severe weather events, heatwaves and food and water shortages will create more demand for health and emergency services. At the same time, it will become more difficult for society to organise and pay for these services.

Erinsborough’s emergency services and hospitals are already riddled with corruption and incompetence. Dr Karl spreads confidential patient information like lice in a kindergarten, and once operated on a woman’s skull with a hand drill while intoxicated. Meanwhile, Erinsborough Police’s Constable Mark Brennan alternates between arresting close relatives for breathing, and burning evidence to protect his friends.

The mind boggles at what will happen when resources are stretched to breaking point. Based on past form, Dr Karl will continue to treat everyone even after the medical system has collapsed and this will cause many deaths. Constable Mark Brennan will probably attempt to install a one-man police state and make everyone panic clean as if it will make any difference.

Taking Action

The world is close to a critical tipping point, but it’s not too late. If global warming can be restricted to 1.5C, the worst-case scenarios may be avoided. This will require a massive mobilisation of resources to reduce carbon emission to zero as soon as possible.

Ramsay Street residents frequently lose family members, friends and fiancees in traumatic circumstances. Rarely, but still bizarrely often, these people turn out not to be dead after all. These events cause at least two to three weeks of agonising heartache before a bounce back.

The tenacity and resilience regularly demonstrated by Ramsay Street’s residents has never been more vital. This is an emergency, like a bag of snakes let loose on a suburban street. The Neighbours should act accordingly.

Individual choices

Ramsay Street residents could do many things to reduce their individual climate-impact including; reducing single-use plastic, eating less meat and catching the bus to the Back Lane Bar.

No individual is solely responsible for the climate emergency and the problems can’t be solved by individual actions alone. Global warming is not like the time Finn tried to poison the school so he could become the principal; that really was all his fault and he could have stopped it at any time.

No-one should beat up on the Neighbours for not living a perfect zero-carbon, waste-free life. We can make helpful choices as individuals, but collective action is the critical factor.

Collective action

The Ramsay Street residents are at their most powerful when they work together and remember that next door is only a footstep away, and that door is very unlikely to be locked so you can just walk right in.

The residents should push for the Erinsborough Council to declare a climate emergency, as dozens of Australian local councils already have.

Erinsborough Council then needs to be held to account for its actions to ensure they are consistent with this state of emergency. Constant vigilance and pressure will be needed. Luckily, no one on Ramsay Street has any work to do, so it should be fine.

Individuals on Ramsay Street may be able to leverage their professional skills and experience to support collective action.

Dr Karl could join Australian doctors who have declared a climate emergency and are demanding climate action.

Money-bags Paul Robinson could financially support the climate-action movement and ensure his many and ever-appearing descendants will exist on a a liveable planet.

Aaron Brennan is lucky to own a workout space called the Shed (because it is one). Climate action groups could use this as a space for meetings or workshops if the gym equipment was pushed to one side.

I would suggest Toadie offer his legal services to the climate movement, but I’m on their side, so I won’t.

Protest and civil disobedience

If the last ten years has taught us anything, it’s that petitions and television debates aren’t enough to produce action on climate. It’s time for non-violent protest and civil disobedience.

Residents of Ramsay Street have long recognised the value of direct action and have a long and proud history of protest and civil disobedience including:

It’s fair to say that this activism has had mixed value and results, but clearly the passion is there.

Ramsay Street residents could join a climate-action organisation like Extinction Rebellion Australia and create a Ramsay Street Affinity Group to organise their own actions. Activists should focus on pressuring all levels of government to introduce emergency measures to reduce carbon emissions to zero.

Getting arrested raises the profile of a protest significantly. Most people on Ramsay Street have done time or live with someone who has. Therefore, they know that our justice system is flawed, and prisons are brutalising. Using the justice system to draw attention to the climate emergency is a significant step that individuals need to consider carefully. The good news is that once the decision is made, it’s not hard to get arrested on Ramsay Street, even on your wedding day.

Ramsay Street’s climate activists will be sure to attract a lot of police and media attention if they blockade Lassiters or take the cul-de-sac for a day. Civil disobedience will inconvenience others, and will be criticised by some people. However, we know the Neighbours aren’t scared of confrontation and difficult conversations or they wouldn’t keep starting intergenerational intra-familiar love-triangles.

Energy generation

Shane Pufferfish Rebecchi has invented some ingenious energy-generation devices, notably a piss-powered generator that works by converting urine to water. Puffy’s work is admirable and exciting, however, no one should rely on a new invention to ‘solve’ the climate crisis. The science and engineering needed to meet our energy needs and reduce carbon emissions to zero largely already exist. It’s the political will to implement them that’s lacking.

The good news is that Ramsay Street’s houses are ripe for solar panels. Projections show that the Ramsay Street houses would easily host the current maximum solar system for residences of 6.6kW, which during summer would produce enough power to cool the houses and still export the maximum allowed feed into the grid of 5kW for the brightest parts of the day. The average electricity use for Victorian households is 5,000kW per year and these systems would produced twice that. Karl and Susan apparently have 17 bedrooms, so they may use more, but it would basically be a big carbon saving.

 

  1. Aerial view of suburban cul-de-sac with position of solar panels marked on roofs.

    Potential solar panel positions.

Summary

Frankly, it’s a scary time to be alive. However, that has always been the case in Erinsborough. That community has faced numerous challenges including the highest murder rate in the world, endemic amnesia and regular explosions.

If there’s a group of people who know what to do in an emergency, it’s Neighbours’ Ramsay Street residents. I wish them, and the rest of us, the best of luck.

Digital detox

Wednesday June 12th, 2019 in Knowledge | No Comments »

View of trees and a hill in the distance. Text reads "Detox time. Try Fax Free Friday this week."A lot of people are practising digital detoxing. This usually consists of logging off social media or eschewing all screens for a specified time period (definitely less than a year).

There are many proven benefits to a digital detox including increased concentration, lowered stress hormones and a keener sense of smell.

However, for some people, a strict digital detox regime is simply unrealistic. Luckily, I’ve devised some mini tech-detox programs that can be just as refreshing.

ONE: Fax free Friday

Don’t send any faxes on Fridays and shred any that you receive. To reduce faxing expectations, let friends, family, colleagues and treating practitioners know you’ll be doing this. Make it clear that you’ll still be available via phone, email and DMs.

TWO: Spamtember

Only read spam emails in the month of September, auto-deleting any messages that arrive in your regular Inbox. It’s a good idea to set up an automatic reply to explain that you’re exclusively reading spam. If the matter is important enough, people can resend their email mentioning inheritances or big penises to get the message through to you.

THREE: Octpopinber

Respond to all text messages with a pop-in. If a friend asks if you’re free at the weekend, turn up at their office to tell them ‘No’. If you receive an appointment reminder from your dentist, don’t text YES, go in and tell them that you’re still planning to come back tomorrow. Octpopinber can be a lot of work, particularly if you receive texts from interstate or overseas. This effort is also an opportunity because doing something slightly uncomfortable means you can raise money for charity at the same time. Friends and family can sponsor you per pop-in or just give you $1000 to cover flights etc. Any money left over can go to a digital literacy foundation.

FOUR: Good evenwall

After 5pm each day, restrict all digital communication to Facebook walls. There should be no secrets between friends, or friends of friends, or people looking at the Facebook page of people with no privacy settings. If you have something to say to someone who’s not in the same room as you, post it on their Facebook timeline. Things like organising brunch, or criticising colleagues can be simply and effectively done this way without having to waste mental energy choosing between messaging platforms. This will leave your mind free of distractions and smelling things better.

These are just some of the mini-detox techniques I implement regularly. I’m sure you have others, so let me know! – little warning it’s WingDings Wednesday so I only reply to messages in that fun font.

If You Need Annual Report 2018-19

Sunday June 2nd, 2019 in Craft, Netball, Sport | No Comments »

Mission statement

If You Need sells high quality bags made from real netball bibs. Like a true Wing Defence we are here if you need.

Reach

2018-19 was a year of growth for If You Need, with the number of netball bib bags dispatched increasing four-fold on the previous financial year.

These figures were significantly below the target of 625,721. This target was set to align with the number of Australians who play netball according to AusSport.

This shortfall means that at least 625,525 Australian netballers don’t own a netball bib bag, or at best, are sharing one with a friend. This estimate is conservative, as it is known that some netball bib bag owners aren’t netballers and just find them useful.

Communication

If You Need posted regularly on Facebook and Instagram to show netball bib bag in all their forms. We also Liked lots of photos of people playing netball.

Diversity

If You Need believes in the equality of all netball positions. We are pleased to report that netball position diversity noticeably improved in 2018-19. However, Wing Defence and Wing Attack bags are still under-represented and this requires action. If You Need will continue to work to achieve our target of equal distribution through our awareness raising campaign Wings of Pride.

Chart of netball bib bag sales by position for 2017-18 and 2018-19

 

Facilities

It is currently possible to securely fit the lids on the storage containers for fabric linings. It is not possible to shut the lid on the netball bib container. Recent progress has allowed managers to clip one side.

Plastic box with lid filled with fabric with one side only closed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Visits to Gumtree to look for more netball bibs are now considered to have a reached safe levels and are classified as ‘under control’.

Netballstrology

If You Need’s 2018 netballstrology predictions were checked against real-world performance and were found to be 100% accurate. There were a lot of ankle injuries.

Key Performance Indicators

KPI Target Actual 2018-19 Variance % 2017-18
Number of bags sold 625721 196 -99.97% 45
Proportion WD 14% 12% -14% 7%
Proportion GD 14% 15% 7% 9%
Proportion GK 14% 13% -7% 13%
Proportion GS 14% 16% 11% 22%
Proportion GA 14% 14% 0% 18%
Proportion WA 14% 13% -7% 11%
Proportion C 14% 15% 7% 13%
Can the lid close on the netball bib storage box? Yes No NA Yes
Can the lid close on the fabric lining storage box? Yes Yes NA Yes
Accuracy of 2018 netballstrology predictions 100% 100% 0% NA

 

Ten mistakes to avoid when writing a listicle

Wednesday March 20th, 2019 in Writing | No Comments »

Listicles are good for readers because they increase the white space on the page.

Listicles are good for writers because you don’t have to think.

Despite their ease of production, digestion and excretion, there are some common mistakes people make when writing a listicle. Read on to learn these two things:

1. What the ten listicle mistakes to avoid are.

2. A little bit more information about each mistake under its heading.

ONE: Promising too many items in the title

It’s easy enough to say you’re going to list 17 things to do with your nipples, but you have to be able to follow through. If items 14 to 17 vary only in the colour of the pegs, you have failed.

TWO: Counting wrong

Don’t say there will be six reasons and then only list four. Readers hate reading and will probably rejoice if the list ends early, but for the sake of professionalism get your numbering right.

THREE: Padding the list with things that should be common sense

Sometimes I feel swamped with tasks and make a list for myself, only to find that I actually have just three things I really need to do and one of them is ‘Calm down you’re actually not that busy and important’.

So I get it. A shorter than expected list can be sad. Even so, do not be tempted to add unnecessary things to the list just to make it longer. A lot of people are writing ‘One thing’ articles now, and that’s fine.

FOUR: Getting your nouns confused

I’ve lost track of the times I’ve started reading a listicle titled ‘Here are the Eight Worst New Years Resolutions’, only to find that half the items are actually Toileting Tips. Keep those two lists separate.

FIVE: Get rid of toxic stuff

Be they in the form of relatives or lead paint, you don’t need these in your life. There are numbers you can call, and you should.

FIVE: Writing your list in Wingdings

It’s a fun font, but hardly anyone can read it.

SIX: Writing your list in Wingdings 2

The companion to Wingdings, Wingdings 2 is actually no easier for people to read.

SEVEN: Writing your listicle in Wingdings 3

I think you see what I’m doing here.

Coming Next Week: The one thing you need to know about tassels

Bridezilla forwards

Tuesday February 5th, 2019 in haters, narrators | No Comments »
White dress and blue undies hanging on clothes line.

Photo: Penelope Claire

I am frequently entertained by internet Bridezilla horror stories, and  it’s time for me to give back.

I’m already married, but should I be lucky enough to wed again I aim to issue instructions to my invited guests that are so outlandish that someone will post them on their socials, where they will go viral.

It will be my little gift to the internet, which has given me so much. I’m thinking karma, paying it forward and doing unto others.

To ensure invitees don’t think I’m joking and chuckle rather than becoming enraged and betraying me on Reddit, I need to keep my outrageous instructions somewhat aligned with my authentic self. These are my working notes.*

  1. Performance: All guests should learn one chapter of The Inimitable Jeeves off by heart. Don’t all learn the same chapter. That’s lazy. You will be required to recite your chapter before being allowed into the reception venue. No exceptions unless you have a medical certificate from a proper doctor (specialist preferred). I won’t be listening, as I only accept Jeeves narrated by Jonathan Cecil, but your effort will prove that you care enough to be included in my special day 🙂
  2. Dress code: Guests may wear whatever they want, but all attire must be washed and donated at the end of the evening – BEFORE you leave the venue. No spare clothes may be changed into as this would defeat the zero-waste point. My local op-shops will gratefully receive any of the items that I don’t want 🙁 If you want to be a gold-star guest, think about my size and style when you’re selecting your outfit!
  3. Gifts: Honestly, the best thing you can bring is yourself. However. I know you would feel so guilty about attending the wedding of the century and not giving anything in return. So just 10-15% of your annual before tax income donated to your local (STATE) school will make you feel better. This  is obviously not a sustainable, equitable school funding model, so please also vote as requested in the “how to vote if you love me” package I will forward to you prior to elections. Send photographic proof that you have done so if you want to stay in my life.
  4. Food: Please eat before attending the reception. Ample food will be served, but it will mainly be for me. Just to be clear, there may not be enough for you to eat. I’ve been very honest, so don’t act surprised. Let me explain my vision: I will be seated at the top table with three people I barely know and a priest. Our table will be laden with cakes and pastries. A separate table will hold half as much food for all the other guests. This is to replicate the absolutely amazing time I had at my First Communion in Grade 4. Such a spiritual occasion deserves nothing less.
  5. Honeymoon: You’re invited! To minimise our carbon footprint, we will be having a staycation. In order to differentiate this time from normal life we are requesting our wonderful friends and family create a 5-star resort experience at our home by tending to our every need (cooking, cleaning, concierge service, gentle waking if afternoon naps go over an hour). Obviously, you will pretend not to know us to avoid awkwardness. Also, I don’t want to hear about rostering issues. Just work it out!

*Don’t worry, I’m not ruining the plan by sharing it now. I will only invite people who I’ve known for less than six months so as to maximise their unwillingness to comply with my requests.

Ideas for netball novels

Tuesday September 18th, 2018 in Netball, Sport, Writing | No Comments »

There are a number of middle-grade books about netball including the Netball Gems series and Sporty Kids: Netball!

And yet, it seems that in other genres, netball has been missing from our literary works. To begin to rectify this, I’ve drawn up a list of netball fiction ideas. I’m happy for anyone to take one of these ideas and run with it (as long as you dispose of it before your landed foot hits the ground again.)

Women wearing netball uniforms jostling. Text Murder on the Transverse line and P Tangey.Crime fiction

Murder on the Transverse Line

A Goal Attack with an ankle injury begins to investigate crime after a member of the opposition is found dead in the netball balls bag.

 

Shirtless man facing away from camera, woman holding netball in goal keeper bib. Text Penelope Tangey, The KeeperRomance

The Keeper

Freya isn’t married and starts a mixed-netball team with her long-term boyfriend.  Freya thinks she loves him, but he plays Goal Attack and insists on taking free passes in the Centre third. Is he really a keeper after all?

 

Rusty Netball ring. Text: P.A. Tangey above and Score below.Literary Fiction

Score

A middle-aged man cheats on his wife with her entire netball team and thinks about dead leaves and rust.

 

Netball ring from below, oranges on a plate, man in paddock chewing grass. Text Penny Tangey Oranges actually are the only fruit

Rural Romance

Oranges actually are the only fruit

A city lawyer returns to the country town of Balanganan after her parents die. She tries to run the family citrus farm, which is very difficult actually. She joins a netball team to unwind, but do they really want her ball skills or just her free oranges?

Picture of small dog in Centre netball bib jacketClassic Children’s Literature

Five Refuse to Forfeit

The Famous Five are badly let down by their Dorset cousins and are left without a full team for the semis. Will the umpire notice that Timmy is a dog and Anne is pregnant?

If the Baby-Sitters Club played netball

Friday May 4th, 2018 in Baby-Sitters Club, Netball, Sport | No Comments »

How did I only just think of this? Let’s not waste anymore time.

Kristy

Obviously, Kristy plays Centre.

During a close semi-final Kristy deliberately steps into the opposition goal circle to draw a free pass and prevent a shot at goal. Her plan works but her guilt at her own un-sportspersonlike behaviour takes a whole book to work through. #676 Kristy and the Umpire Who Should Have Called Advantage.

Mary Anne

Wing Attack. Because, you know, blah.

In #5456 Mary Anne Forgets her Netball Nicks, she and her steady boyfriend, Logan, start a mixed netball team to make their relationship stronger. Unfortunately, evil bitch Cookie is on the opposing team and dobs Mary Anne in for a uniform violation. Luckily, Logan sees through Cookie’s evil plan and they break her finger.

Stacey

Goal Attack. If you need me to explain why, it’s hard to understand why you’re reading this. Stacey is sophisticated AND up-herself.

Stacey has too many oranges. #43243 The Truth About Stacey is She Has Something Stuck in her Teeth.

Claudia

Goal Shooter – because she’s lazy, but useful.

Claudia wants to quit netball to concentrate on eating junk food and reading erotica. In #93402 Claudia and the Sad Shooting Percentage, Kristy finally replaces Claudia with her seven-year-old sister Karen Two-two. Unfortunately, Karen is also committed to another netball team and gets an ankle injury from pivoting too much. Kristy makes Claudia rejoin the team.

Dawn

Goal Defence – because she works hard and then judges.

In #3423964 Dawn Saves the Game, Dawn makes natural, chemical-free, organic deodorant for the whole team. They all pretend to wear it, and Dawn can’t smell herself, so she thinks it works.

Jessi

Goal Keeper – because Jessi is tall and graceful, and, as a ballet dancer, she can balance on one leg.

In #89042 Jessi and the Big Decision, Jessi is forced to choose between netball and ballet. She chooses ballet.

Mallory

Wing Defence. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.

In #4342 Mallory is Here If You Need, Mallory thinks her longed for chance to play Centre has arrived when Kristy is sidelined with hepatitis. But, instead, Kristy organises for Shannon to fill in. Mallory learns that she will never be important, just as she will never be older than eleven and get to baby-sit at night. She starts bringing the oranges.

FAQs – Netball Bib Bags

Saturday December 30th, 2017 in Craft, Netball, Sport | No Comments »

Three netball bib bags. Two black in back and one green Wing Attack bag at front

I’ve become tired of answering the same questions about my netball bib bags (sold through the Etsy shop If You Need). I’ve prepared this list of answers to Frequently Asked Questions.

I have hands and arms. Why should I use a bag to carry things?

Bags can greatly assist in the ease and efficiency of transporting a range of items. I’ve written more fully on the topic here. Although it can feel strange at first, most people who start using bags say they wish they had done so earlier.

Were any netballers harmed in the production of your bags?

If You Need is a certified netballer friendly organisation. Our netball bib bags are made from 100% genuine netball bibs. All netball players are safely and ethically removed before processing begins.

Are netball bib bags reversible?

Yes. Netball bib bags are lined and can be reversed by turning them inside out. Reversing the bag will hide the bib’s position, so this is the suggested styling for Wing Defence bags.

Can I carry a netball bib bag with a position I don’t play?

There’s no law against it, it’s a matter of conscience.

How many netball bib bags should I own?

One hundred is too many, zero is too few. While there are no hard and fast rules to work this out I’ve found that your age divided by three plus seven is generally ample.

Do you make anything else out of netball bibs?

This is an area of current research and development. Plans for future development using netball bibs include a perpetual motion machine and gold.

Your future in 2018 according to Netballstrology

Tuesday December 26th, 2017 in Craft, Netball, Sport | No Comments »

Astrology chart overwritten with netball positions and with an orange in the centre.

Your netball position is highly predictive of your future. I’ve spent many hours meditating on an orange (very painful and sticky) in order to divine these uncannily accurate netballstrology readings. Read on to find out what 2018 has in store for you.

Note: The bags pictured are available at www.ifyouneed.etsy.com

Green Goal Shooter netball bib bagGoal Shooter

With Mercury peeling the orange in 2018, this should be a great year for Shooters.

Career

You are a person who can take the long-view. That is because you are tall. If not, you might want to reconsider your position in 2018. If you decide to stay in your current role, you should try to get a window seat at your workplace. You might have a lot of time to stare out of it.

Relationships

I’m seeing a lot of armpits in your life in 2018. As usual, ignore them. (I’m really talking about romance.) You have the good sense to stay in the place where you’re most needed, so don’t let anyone tempt you into areas you’re not comfortable in.

Health

On court, Goal Shooters have finely tuned minds with a laser-like focus on accuracy. Once the game is over they are likely to wander off without handing in their bib. Keep your brain nimble by eating good oils and also watch out for ankle injuries.

 

Blue Goal Attack netball bib bagGoal Attack

With the goal-post waxing in 2018, this will be a year where Goal Attacks’ versatility and skill can shine. In June you will kill again.

Career

Some people have one job, but you have at least two and you’re great at both. You’re a go-getter but you’re also quite accurate when you let go of the ball. So, don’t hold back with your opinions in the workplace. If you see something you don’t agree with, in an area you’re not technically allowed in, stand as close as you can and shout advice.

Love

In 2018 try not to worry if a relationship doesn’t work out as you planned. Chances are, someone else was obstructing you and you’ll get another crack at it.

Health

You’re good at ignoring armpits thrust in your face but don’t forget to check your breasts if you have them.

 

Yellow Goal Keeper netball bib bagGoal Keeper

With the weakness in the opposition attack in 2018, this should be a quiet year for Goal Keepers.

Career

If you’re working for a successful organisation, you may have little to do in 2018. Relish this and work on mindfulness. How many things can you smell that aren’t Deep Heat? Keep a list.

Love

We all know that the best way to attract a mate is to stick your armpit in their face. Keep using that tactic in 2018, it’s bound to work eventually.

Health

Sitting is the new smoking and we’re all supposed to stand more. This is good news for Goal Keepers who spend most of their time upright and stationary. To make this activity even more beneficial, do some pelvic floor exercises.

 

Light blue Goal Defence netball bib bagGoal Defence

The goal circle is still a semi-circle in 2018, which means Goal Defenders can expect the relentless grind to continue this year.

Career

In 2017 you did twice as much work as your colleague for the same reward in oranges. It’s your own fault for being so damn competent. Nothing will change in 2018. Now jog back for the centre pass and get on with it.

Love

When it comes to love, you have to be in it to win it. You should stick your arms up at every opportunity, provided you’re the legally mandated distance away. Having said that, rebounds are your best chance in 2018, so watch out for other people’s failures and be ready to pounce.

Health

You spend so much time fixing other people’s mistakes that it’s hard to find time to look after yourself. On the bright side, at least you’re getting plenty of exercise.

 

Red Wing Attack netball bib bagWing Attack

With the sun hovering over the transverse line, Wing Attacks can expect a big year in 2018. Unless one of their team members doesn’t turn up, when you might have to play in goals, which will be a disaster as per usual.

Career

Wing Attacks – are you living up to your potential? Do I hear you say no? Actually, the answer is yes. The truth is, just like how you don’t play Centre, you’re where you are in your career for a reason. And that reason is limited talent. “Keep doing what you’re doing” said the man to the tree as if it needed his advice.

Love

Singles – showing people they need you is a wonderful way to make them love you. That’s why you bring the oranges, right? In the second half of the year you will try a similar tactic on a love interest by baking cakes.

Paired-up Wing Attacks can expect to continue to be the only one in the relationship who makes the cakes.

 

Blue Wing Defence netball bib bagWing Defence

2018 should be a bumper year for Wing Defenders provided they don’t have unrealistic expectations of receiving love or recognition.

Career

Just because you’re the first person to be offered a redundancy when your workplace restructures, doesn’t mean your role’s contribution isn’t considered as important as other people’s. Actually, that’s exactly what it means. But just because you will never receive any reward or recognition, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try your hardest.

Love

When you see other people enjoying each other’s company, stand as close as you’re legally able and let them know that you’re there if they need you.  They don’t, but that is hardly the point.

Health

Watch out for ankle injuries.

 

Centre

Assuming you win the toss, 2018 starts with you; it’s just a shame it will also involve less competent people.

Career

You’ve usually got an iron in every fire and 2018 will be no exception – you’ll be all over the place, in a good way, of course. However, there’s still the pesky matter of the goal circles where other people will ruin or validate your good-work.  You can’t control everything. Let it go. By which I mean, scream instructions at your colleagues. Remember, you will be the one who fixes their mistakes…and then they will make more of them.

Love

“Centres should try seeing things from their partner’s perspective” says the person who knows nothing about power dynamics. As a wise Centre you know that you’re indispensable, so do what you want and have fun love-rat!

Health

Do you feel exhausted? Probably, but better than being lazy like everyone else, am I right? You’re at least a third healthier than anyone else you know so let smugness be your energy.

Money

I’m joking. This has no relevance to netball. In 2018 you will come into a lot of citrus fruit. Eat as much as you want, you deserve it.

Sorry you’ve been living your life wrong, according to Enid Blyton

Tuesday August 29th, 2017 in Enid Blyton, Parenting | No Comments »

Old fashion blue upholstered wing chair with red wings drawn onto legs.

Enid Blyton lived before the age of the blog, internet article or listicle. She wrote narrative fiction for children with paragraphs and no headings, except for chapters. Who has the attention span for that? Not me really, but I’ve come up with some article ideas to impart Blyton’s wisdom in a more accessible modern form.

1. The 5 best foods for a midnight feast 

They are all sausages.

2. Should you be elfing you children? 

There’s a new parenting trend of allowing mythical forest folk to care for children for up to twelve hours each day. Experts quoted in the article are divided but strident on the subject.

3. Why I won’t elf my children

In a follow up personal piece a mother details how her mothers group nearly shamed her into elfing her children. She’s glad she didn’t, because her friend’s fairy-carer turned out to be a real estate agent with no access to the magical realm.

4. Do you know the signs of a toxic friendship?

Is your friend different to you in any way? If so, don’t put up with it. Hit them with a hockey stick until they fit in.

5. These life hacks will change the way you fly your furniture forever

Who knew you were supposed to land the back two legs first! But it makes so much sense now! Share!

6. The 10 worst things about travel and why I won’t stop

Everyone wants to go on adventures and then complain when they get there. This article will validate that instinct.