Home » Blog

Netballstrology – June 2017

Monday May 22nd, 2017 in Sport | No Comments »

Astrology chart overwritten with netball positions and with an orange in the centre.

Everyone knows that astrology is rubbish, right? Equally however, everyone knows that you can tell a lot about a person based on what netball position they play. I would go further and argue that you can predict a person’s future based their netballstrology chart. Here are my prophecies for June.

Centre

You’re all over the place and June will be no exception. However, there’s still that pesky matter of the goal circles where other people ruin or validate your good work.  You can’t control everything. Let it go. By which I mean, scream instructions. Remember, the ball will always alternate back to you for the centre pass, and then other people will ruin your life again. In June you will come into a lot of citrus fruit. Eat as much as you want, you deserve it.

Wing Defence

If. You. Need. Let’s think about those three little words. Actually, let’s not, it’s too sad. No-one will need you this month either, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there. Actually, I tell you what we do need. Someone to wash the bibs.

Wing Attack

Are you living up to your potential? No? Actually, the answer is yes. The truth is, you’re where you are for a reason. And that reason is probably limited talent. “Keep doing what you’re doing” said the man to the tree as if it needed his advice.

Goal Keeper

You’re tall. This gives you a valuable perspective on your surroundings. It’s like you’re standing on your desk all the time without Mr Keating even telling you to. June will provide new opportunities to utilise your lofty heights. At my house. We have a few light bulbs that need changing. Just stick your arms up, we know you can.

Goal Defence

Do you ever feel like you’re doing twice as much work as someone else standing only a few metres away? Remember, rewards come in many forms and some of them may seem like painful broken bones at first but then you realise it’s a blessed relief granting you a break from all the relentless, unrewarding, unappreciated work that you do. So in June I recommend that you let go of the handrail on the stairs, scatter some banana peel around your bathroom and joyfully anticipate the inevitable splat and eight weeks in a moonboot.

Goal Shooter

I’m seeing a lot of armpits in your life in June. As usual, ignore them. (I’m really talking about relationships.)

Goal Attack

I get that you’re a go-getter, but you didn’t get this far in life without also being quite accurate. So this month, don’t hold back with your opinions. If you see something you don’t agree with in an area you’re not technically allowed in, stand as close as you can and shout encouraging advice. Also, in June you will kill again.

Which original Baby-Sitters Club member are you?

Friday May 12th, 2017 in Baby-Sitters Club, Quiz | No Comments »

BSC

Today I was talking to a friend about which Baby-Sitters Club members we are most like. Why yes, I am very busy and important. With a sinking feeling I realised the answer for me is clearly Mallory. My friend was kind enough to throw Mary Anne into the mix, but it’s grim.

I believe we can change though, so I’ve written this quiz to help answer the question: Which ORIGINAL member of the Baby-Sitters Club are you?

I know I’m not Robinson Crusoe here, but guys, I’m Mallory, you can’t expect much except whinging.

A. What shape are your eyes?

  1. a) Don’t know – I never look in the mirror.
  2. b) Eye shaped.
  3. c) Cow-eye shaped.
  4. d) Almond shaped.

B. What are you wearing?

  1. a) A turtleneck. Very cruel to turtles but so comfortable!
  2. b) Purple high-tops and a silver tent.
  3. c) A cable knit jumper, plaid skirt and Mary Janes. Very cruel to Mary Janes, but so comfortable!
  4. d) All of the above.

C. When was the last time you played sport?

  1. a) Now.
  2. b) When I threw a ball of yarn to my kitten.
  3. c) Does eating candy bars count?
  4. d) I do squats to keep my hair bouncy.

D. Do you have a best friend?

  1. a) Yes.
  2. b) Yes.
  3. c) Yes.
  4. d) I have two and it’s creating conflict. I bet they both answer yes to this question. God. They don’t own me.

E. Are you boy crazy?

  1. a) Do I think liking boys is crazy? Yes.
  2. b) Yes.
  3. c) I have a steady boyfriend, which is crazy because all my friends think I’m frigid. They say “shy” but I know what they mean.
  4. d) No. I am boy mental health episode though.

F. Have you ever saved the day?

  1. a) Dude, I wrote the day.
  2. b) Yes and that’s why my dad decided to let me wear my hair down and I got nits.
  3. c) I’ve handed out a lot of candy, that usually saves the day except for putting my friend in a diabetic coma. Shut up, I am not stupid I have a really high IQ.
  4. d) I’m in a coma.

G. What’s the truth about you?

  1. a) Pretty boring in the end actually.
  2. b) My parents don’t love me as much as my sister. Eating helps. Who cares, don’t judge me, I don’t get zits or put on weight, type II diabetes might be a bummer at some point, but that will just help me relate to my best friend.
  3. c) Sometimes I imagine Mary Anne wearing nothing but a visor and whispering, “I’ve looked in the diary and I’m free for that sitting job.”
  4. d) Sometimes I want to be an Associate Member.

Scoring

There is no scoring system. The truth about you is that you already know the answer. I am Mallory, you are probably Kristy or Mary Anne. You’re not Claudia. You’ll never be Claudia. I’m off to throw myself on the bed and cry about it.

Recap Insiders

Sunday April 30th, 2017 in Politics, Television | No Comments »

Gerard Henderson and David Marr face each other arguing

Yesterday I recapped Episode 7590 of Neighbours. I’m worried that’s left me looking a little frivolous so today I’m recapping Australia’s longest-running political drama, Insiders. The show is about Barry, who invites his friends over every Sunday but none of them get along. The main plot centres on the will-they-won’t-they tension between Gerard Henderson and David Marr. Gerard and David seem like complete opposites, and yet, sometimes that can be so right, like with Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

As per usual, Barry has invited three people over because that’s how many chairs he has; David Marr, Gerard Henderson and Laura Tingle.

The start of the episode shows a tantalising glimpse of the couch where David and Gerard sit beside each other with their arms folded. Barry ignores them, and wanders off, which may be the only sensible thing to do when two people are in a huff with each other. I feel sorry for Laura Tingle who has been left on her own with Gerard and David like a third-wheeling gooseberry.

Barry stands by himself in the middle of the lounge room and performs a soliloquy about a budget. Then he puts on a video showing lots of men in suits saying “good debt”, “bad debt” over and over again for two minutes. To make this bearable there is a catchy song about fresh eyes playing in the background.

Back in Barry’s lounge room Barry is talking to himself about a really funny video his friend Huw Parkinson made. Barry is obsessed with Huw Parkinson, and is always going on about how funny his videos are, which is sad because Huw never comes over and I suspect they’re just Facebook friends.

Barry then remembers he’s got visitors and tries to make conversation by asking if they’ve read anything interesting in the Sunday papers. He doesn’t sit down, probably because he wants to leave as quickly as possible if the Minister for Anything turns up for a chat.

Barry talks to Laura Tingle first. She looks at a piece of paper and says something quite sensible, I think, I’m not sure because it’s hard to follow when you’re typing.

Barry then asks David if he has any thoughts about something, and it turns out that he does. Gerard gets a turn talking next, because Barry once read a magazine article about how you should include all your visitors in the conversation even if you don’t like them much. This gives David and Gerard a chance to disagree on something, which brings a little sizzle. Actually, Laura Tingle doesn’t agree with Gerard either. In the end they all agree that everyone is allowed to disagree.

No-one touches the lovely coffee on the coffee table. Barry is clearly hurt by his visitors’ rude behaviour because he wanders off to take a Skype call from his friend in Adelaide, who he calls the Shadow Minister for Energy.

Barry is gone for ages. I’m not sure what Laura Tingle, David and Gerard are doing at this point, but I suspect they’re absolutely killing the Sunday crossword.

Rudely, the Shadow Minister for Energy person doesn’t ask Barry any questions about himself and eventually Barry gets jack of it and wraps up the call.

He then plays the funny video his friend Huw Parkinson made. There are no cats, but it’s okay if you know what Star Wars is, which I don’t. When we go back to the lounge room Barry is pissing himself laughing. It would nice if Huw could occasionally Like some of Barry’s tweets that he’s not mentioned in.

Barry wanders back over to his friends for a chat, and this time he sits down. It all goes terribly well until David prefaces a comment by turning to Gerard and saying “I don’t want to be disrespectful to you…” We hold our breath but Gerard does not appear to be offended and they’re no closer to make-up sex because they haven’t had a proper fight yet.

Barry is frightened of awkward pauses, so he keeps showing his visitors YouTube videos and then asking for their opinions. This strategy works, and everyone has lots to say. It gets a bit tense when Laura Tingle and David disagree with each other. This is confusing because I don’t think they’re supposed to get together in the end.

Next David and Gerard argue about fracking. Now we’re getting somewhere; David is gesticulating and Gerard is hunching. Barry changes the topic back to the budget. Sometimes I wonder what Barry’s agenda is, and whether he’s the right captain for this love ship.

Soon though Gerard is accusing David of being inconsistent and David says that Gerard never listens. David says Gerard has friends, and Gerard denies it. Gerard admits to going to a party once and Laura Tingle pisses herself laughing.

Barry changes the topic back to the budget. I’d be calling for his sacking if it wasn’t his lounge room.

Later, they chat about airports. Miraculously, no-one tells a story about the time they nearly got upgraded to Business Class. Gerard tells a story so funny that he chuckles. Later, David makes a joke and then explains it to Gerard, which is kind of him.

Then they have a disagreement about refugees and I start to doubt whether David and Gerard have shared values. Maybe they shouldn’t get together because shared values are really important in a relationship.

Barry changes the topic again and David and Gerard force themselves to share another laugh. Barry clearly wants them all to leave now probably because he needs to get on with his laundry and is going out for brunch with Kerry O’Brien.

Barry goes to put on a load of woollens, leaving his guests with “Talking Pictures” otherwise known as “a video”. Screen time in Barry’s house is out of control. By the time the video is over Barry is done with the wool wash but his visitors are still plonked on the couch not taking the hint. Barry gives the ultimate it’s time to leave signal, asking them pointedly for their “final observations”.

So, at the end of this episode I’m more firmly than ever in the “No, they won’t” camp when it comes to David and Gerard but top marks Insiders for keeping us guessing.

PS Insiders seems significantly less diverse than Neighbours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advice Recap

Saturday April 29th, 2017 in Television | No Comments »

Aaron and David talking in 'Neighbours'.

Usually I fold the washing or try to touch my toes (I can’t) while watching Neighbours but today I’ve decided to type. I’m taking this step because I’ve had e-flipping-nough of the washing and my shins (knees on a bad day).

In summary, Friday’s episode of Neighbours (epidsode 7590!) was all about advice, solicited and otherwise.

The day kicks off with the two teachers who shagged earlier in the week meeting awkwardly during their morning exercise. Finn wants to tee up a date but Ellie is like nah I have marking because I’m a teacher.

In the Kennedy home, Susan tells Toadie he’ll have to do some jobs now that his arm’s out of a plaster. I’m pretty sure people with one arm can still do housework, but anyway. Susan offers Toadie a choice of mowing the lawn or doing the laundry. This is what you do with toddlers; the choice gives them a feeling of control. Unfortunately, it’s trickier with people who can reach the door handle and Toadie gets out of housework because he receives an envelope. It is never good news when a lawyer gets an envelope and this one puts Toadie in a foul mood. There’s no time to put a load on apparently and he leaves immediately for the office. The fact that he has avoided doing the washing is never resolved and has put me in a stinking mood too.

Piper and XanCan are out the front of a caravan like they’re in Summer Bay. They’re not, they’re at a suburban backpackers. When Pippa, I mean Piper complains about the loud music a Bad Backpacker comes on too strong, claiming to know a lot about the Asia Pacific region. XanCan sticks up for her friend by pointing out that Piper is already owned by someone else. The Bad Backpacker implies Piper’s boyfriend Tyler is stupid.

Tyler is at the Rebecchi Law/Brand Enthusiasm headquarters breaking the news to his brother Aaron that he’ll be in Daylesford for the weekend. Apparently Tyler and Ben will be doing a mechanics course but I think we all know they’ll be visiting the lavender farm and drinking from the mineral springs. Tyler gives Aaron advice about love. Tyler has it all sorted out because he’s a 25-year-old living with his school-aged girlfriend in the mezzanine of a tin shed. This sounds wrong on paper but as many people have pointed out, it’s not actually illegal! Aaron says again that he wants David to to explore all there is out there, which may take some time.

Toadie turns up at the office looking grumpy in pastels, a world first. I hope Susan enjoys washing the angry, bitter sweat from that synthetic fabric later in the week because Toadie has tested her boundaries and now that he knows he can get away with it, he’ll never do washing again.

When Father Jack is not knocking up his parishioners he gives them advice like a machine. Naturally, David is keen to tell Father Jack he has come out. Jack is very accepting and likens this experience to becoming a priest. David seeks Father Jack’s advice on how to approach Aaron twice during the episode and Father Jack uses neither opportunities to tell David he’ll go to hell for being gay, maybe because Jack’s not on the clock. In the cafe, the new Rebecchi overhears that David is unlucky in love and advises him to try flattery. I like this idea. David could say something like, “Aaron, you’re really good at Tweeting” or “You haven’t punched anyone in the head and left them for dead in a car park for like a year now!”

Ellie and Susan Kennedy are having a Nescafe and chat. Ellie is seeking Susan’s “good instincts” but Susan is reluctant to give her niece advice. In the end Ellie persuades Susan that one little nugget of wisdom can’t possibly hurt, and Susan advises Ellie to put the brakes on her relationship with Finn. XanCan is eavesdropping through the fly screen door and hears the whole thing!

Back at the backpackers a game of dodgeball is afoot but it’s a violent, foreign form of the game. Tyler and the Bad Backpacker have words while the other backpackers watch and snigger. Neighbours is doing nothing for the reputation of backpackers and I suspect we will have to do a special episode of Neighbuzz on media representations of travellers with bags rather than wheeley-suitcases.

XanCan tells Finn, her teacher, what she has overheard through the flyscreen door. He asks her for a XanCan Special and we are left to assume they will one day root.

Toadie is still very angry in his pastel shirt. He is so angry that he gives Aaron some home truths, suggesting that Aaron’s business Brand Enthusiasm is a flop. Toadie is being very negative, and I suggest that rather than carping at Aaron he should put that energy into scrubbing Susan’s smalls.

Back at the backpackers the aggression is through the roof and the music is still very loud. Tyler snatches a phone and kicks the Bad Backpacker out. This is a wonderful opportunity for the Bad Backpacker to go somewhere good, but will he take it?

David pops into the Rebecchi Law/Brand Enthusiasm headquarters and tries to give Aaron a compliment. Instead of taking my advice and praising Aaron for not committing GBH recently, David chooses to focus on Aaron’s physical appearance. David then asks Aaron out to dinner. Aaron is cross. David is being too pushy and needs to back off and stop popping into Aaron’s work to sexually harass him.

Back at the backpackers Ben tells Tyler he needs to apologise to Piper before they leave for Daylesford to have a high tea and check out the antique shops…I mean, do their engine-fixing course. Tyler approaches Piper but merely manages to perpetuate the fight rather than resolve it. Piper says she doesn’t need to be protected and tells Tyler to go. On his departure the Bad Backpacker appears immediately and is inappropriate again. It would appear that Piper does need Tyler to protect her, which had better not be true.

So that’s it. Here’s how I score the advice givers in this episode.

Susan: She showed the kind of faux-reluctance to give an opinion that lends advice more weight – and she also happened to be right. 9/10

Tyler: He has fundamentally failed to realise that he and Piper are not an inspiring example of how to do love. 2/10

Father Jack: He pretended he doesn’t know how to pick up, a clear lie, but at least he didn’t tell David that he loves the sinner but not the sin or something awful like that. 7/10

The New Rebecchi: He tells David to flatter Aaron. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that the New Rebecchi didn’t know Aaron has already asked David to stoppit. Better advice for David would be, “Stoppit”. 5/10

Toadie: We all know Brand Enthusiasm is really just Aaron’s Twitter account and a couple of sausages, but shhh Toadie, you are the owner of Rebecchi Law and 1,000 polyester shirts. Get back to the laundry. 4/10

A Personal Glossary of Netball

Wednesday April 19th, 2017 in Knowledge, School, Sport | No Comments »
Early game of netball with text of positions and oranges added. One player says 'If you Need!'

Early netball game

When I was in primary school I was desperate to start my netball career. I was certain that “career” was the right word as I planned to play netball for Australia and therefore become rich and famous. Behold my nesting dolls of delusion.

Joining my first team, Newstead Junior 2, was the start of a very steep netball learning curve. Unfortunately it wasn’t steep enough to lead to international netball, but I still learnt a few things, which I’d like to share.

Indoor Netball

When I was in high school I played a couple of seasons of mid-week indoor netball. This has all the same rules as outdoor netball except you’re allowed to kill people. It was an incredibly rough competition. Luckily the courts were surrounded with nets and there was no bitumen so breaking a pelvis didn’t hurt.

A team from a local low-security prison were also in the competition. One week one of their players threatened to kill Julia. This was clearly unacceptable. So at half-time our captain swapped Julia out of that position. And swapped me in. I was baffled by this decision because I tend to shit people at the best of times.

I kept my distance and the woman only threatened to punch me in the face. I didn’t play my best half of netball ever, but it wasn’t the point. I had discovered something important about myself; people didn’t always want to kill me.

The next week this lady apologised, explaining that she hadn’t been taking her medication. No worries I said. No worries at all.

As a general rule, the prison team were much less frightening than the young mums team who brought their toddlers to the game, smoked next to the court and absolutely hated our university-destined guts, to which I can only say fair enough as I imagine we were pretty annoying.

Losing

For me, netball and losing are intertwined. I have never been a member of a winning netball team. I’ve never played in a final. I probably lost 95% of all netball games I played in. The score for my first ever netball game was 17 – 1. With losing so inevitable I set other goals. I might feel like we’d had a great game because we achieved half the score of the winning team, or because we won one quarter, or because no-one wanted to kill me (see Indoor Netball).

Mixed Netball

Men playing netball may seem shocking but once you accept that not everyone will be classically trained (and you might witness such horrors as a Goal Attack taking a free pass outside the goal circle) mixed netball can be quite fun. I’ve filled in for a few mixed netball teams in Melbourne and have mainly enjoyed it without tsking.

Graph of straight line saying "What people think sucess looks like" next to a photo of a netball trophy Newstead Junior 2 Most ImprovedMost Improved

One of the proudest achievements of my life was winning the Most Improved trophy in my first netball season. I did deserve that trophy. I had started the season playing half games as a Wing Attack. I ended the year getting the occasional quarter as Centre. The lesson is, make sure you start as badly as you can to maximise apparent improvement.

Netball nicks

These are a pair of black underpants worn over your normal underpants so that no-one sees your underpants when your incredibly short skirt flies into the air. Here’s a thought – shorts.

Oranges

Orange quarters are the perfect food for half-time. All athletes like to be sticky and have bits in their teeth.

Ra Ra Ra

When I played classical netball, at the end of each game both teams were required to stand in a circle with our arms around each other and chant:

Three cheers for “Winning Team”, Ra, Ra, Ra.

Three cheers for “Losing Team”, Ra, Ra, Ra.

Three cheers for the umpires, Ra, Ra, Ra.

I presume we were made to do this to prepare us for the for the indignities of giving birth.

Socks

Socks were very controversial on the ’90s netball court. Ankle sports socks were the fashion but were banned. Everyone still wore them (except me because my mum wouldn’t let me) and usually nothing was said. The exception was on the one occasion when my C Grade team Wesley Hill unexpectedly and uniquely won a game. Our opposition team (I say that, but I mean their mums) put in an official complaint about our socks and we didn’t get the match points.

I like to hope that these dark ’90s days of socking shaming teenage girls have passed, but I thought that about Pauline Hanson.

Umpiring

I am always shocked by sports where the players criticise the umpires. This was not allowed when I played netball. I don’t know how they achieved such discipline but I think it involved making examples of people.

I only personally umpired one game of netball. I had aced the written netball umpiring test and felt quietly confident. Then I discovered that in real life it’s  all a lot more confusing than in the book. No-one actually abused me while the game was going on, but after there were a number of official complaints, including from the team who won.

 

Let it go

Tuesday April 11th, 2017 in Uncategorized | No Comments »

“He was rude to me once, and I’ve never forgotten it.” That could be be my catch phrase.

I would like to believe that I am a tolerant person who can see both sides of the coin and the apple. In some ways this is true. I am quite good at forgiving and moving on. IF there is a conciliatory conversation.

For example, someone at work once spoke testily to me. I had done the wrong thing, but there was no need for him to question whether I could read. I was furious and determined to be frosty with him forever and ever. I arrived at work the next morning to a voicemail from him apologising for being stressed and rude. I called him back immediately. ‘Say no more, think no more about it, it was really all my fault, would you like to get a coffee? Of course I’ll look after your dog for the weekend!’ I said, and I meant it.

The problem comes when there is no conciliatory gestures or acknowledgement. Then things fester. Once at work some executives were rude to me. I was trying to get the glasses cleared from the boardroom so I could catch a train to visit my dying grandmother. They thought I was intruding, and I thought I was heroically doing my job under difficult circumstances. In any case, there was no need to say ‘When Penny finally leaves the room we can continue our discussion’ in that icy manner. Even as I’m typing a blog post about letting go, I feel angry recalling that day. They addressed me in the third person! How. Dare. Anyway, they never apologised and I never forgot.

So clearly, in practise I’m a great upholder of the right to bear grudges. Over the course of the past 35 years of living I have amassed a small concert hall’s worth of people who have pissed me off. This crowd needs to move to a bigger venue to add all the people who have gained my disdain by being mean to my friends or family. I will often keep them in the freezer long after the person who was actually wronged has moved on.

This has led to a situation where I’m having trouble keeping my indexing system up-to-date. With the passing years I’m struggling to remember who I’m supposed to hate and why. I sometimes ask my friends, ‘Why don’t we like him again?’ The other day I searched through my emails because I had a vague feeling I didn’t like someone, but had no idea why. When I found the reason, it really wasn’t the outrage I’d felt it to be at the time.

On this search I also came across some bizarrely cold emails I’d written to a very close friend. At first I couldn’t work out why I’d taken that tone. Doing some more research I found the reason. I had hurt feelings. And instead of saying ‘I’ve got hurt feelings’ and telling the friend how they could help, I’d let it leak and been hurtful in return. I have completely moved on with this friend, but with other people I never do, and years after the problematic incident I retain a kernel of hurt and mistrust. Occasionally something happens and I realise I’ve been petty in focusing on the one time they were rude or thoughtless rather than the many times they were kind.

There are some grudges worth keeping, and there are some incidents that beg for poetic justice. I make no judgement about anyone else’s grudge cupboard or revenge fantasy drawer. But I do know that some of mine are silly. (Note this does not include you Executives Who Address Assistants in the Third Person).

And yeah, I know I shoulda turned the phone around.

Funniest things EVA!

Sunday April 9th, 2017 in Comedy, Letters, Reading, Television | No Comments »
Black and white photo of women laughing in a clothing factory

Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-T0425-0005 / Sindermann, Jürgen / CC-BY-SA 3.0

Last night I was horrified to read that Carly Findlay was out for a fun night and someone laughed at her face. What’s worse, this person wasn’t immediately disowned by all their friends and family.

I’ve seen funny before, and that’s not part of it. This incident made me really mad so I thought I’d reflect on some of the things that actually are funny, according to me anyway. I have a fairly dark sense of humour, which is totally consistent with not ruining anyone else’s day.

Books

The Timewasters Letters is a compilation of letters written by Robin Cooper. In the late ’90s he wrote silly letters to organisations and awaited their replies. Writing letters seems cutely obsolete now but I dip in every six months or so and laugh my head off. In my favourites, Cooper writes to a children’s publisher pitching inappropriate book ideas. He had an idea for a character Catty who suckles baddies and then burns them. I’m literally laughing while I type.

Live comedy

It’s very hard to choose what is the funniest live performance eva because I’ve seen enough to know that I’ve seen a lot of amazing. One that stands out is Monica Dullard performing in my home town of Newstead. The whole town loved her and her tales of riding her ex-postie bike from Melbourne.

Television

The animated comedy I am not an animal is about about an animal experiment that goes wrong and produces talking animals who are horrifying yuppy hipsters. There’s a lot I can relate to. Emulating the Bloomsbury set, dreaming I own an orangery, practising film criticism by paraphrasing other people’s reviews – funny because it’s true.

Podcasts

I’ve said it before, My Dad Wrote a Porno makes me snorty laugh (mixed with snobby literary guffawing). Respective vaginas.

In real life

One time when we were living in a share house my partner said “I’m going to have a shower”. I misheard this as “I’m taking the Glad-wrap to the shower” and confusion ensued. He sarcastically said, ‘I wrap myself up in plastic and splash around. One day I’m going to drown’. He was bemused by how amused I was, which is not uncommon for me. It’s not a case of ‘You had to be there’ because often, some of the people in the room are pretty unimpressed while I’m almost hysterical. I still find that incident funny. About three times a year I recall it again (often while swimming) and I have to stop and lean on a lane rope. One day I’m going to drown.

You see people, I’ve had much joy and hopefully not ruined anyone else’s night. It can be done.

Things I do that I don’t recommend

Friday March 31st, 2017 in Home, Podcasts, Politics, Television | No Comments »

Washing hanging on the line sorted by colour

I’m not here to tell anyone how to live their life. This is why. Here’s some things that I do.

In the past month I’ve been hanging out the washing by colour. It does take a little extra time but it’s totally worth it. (But don’t do this.)

I reply to every single rhetorical question on the Neighbours Twitter account. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say, so I come back to it later, but I never miss one. No excuses. On Wednesday I criticised their use of an apostrophe. It was a low point.

When we have too many lemons I make lemon butter. Then I put lemon butter all over the place and brag about how good it is. A couple of weeks ago I made a litre of lemon butter. We’ve eaten it all.

I haven’t quit US political podcasts since the election and I’m still regularly listening to a number of them. This is not the best use of my time. I know more about Trump’s failed changes to the Affordable Care Act than I do about the recent changes to childcare in Australia, which might actually affect me. Meanwhile, I’ve still got no idea what’s happening in Syria, but I’m pretty sure it’s not good.

And of course, I write blog posts when I could be earning actual money.

Neighbours tweet "Do you think Sonya and Mark are getting too close?" Picture of Sonya and Mark walking by the river.

Sparkling

Saturday March 11th, 2017 in Uncategorized | No Comments »

 

 

Hotel signs

(Image shows hotel room signs reading ‘Please service room thank you’ and ‘DO NOT DISTURB thank you’.)

This is a short story I wrote a long time ago about being a hotel cleaner. Never has the phrase ‘It’s always about the dishes, but it’s never about the dishes’ been more relevant.

At school I had low expectations for myself. Or at least, I would only admit to aspirations that were unquestionably achievable. I would never have guessed I could become a Hotel Cleaner. When I was accepted into Room Attendant training everything changed. I opened the letter and the words ‘Congratulations. Accepted’ floated up from the page and danced. It was a rosy, sparkling, world-as-oyster kind of day.

 

Six years later and technically, I’m living the dream.

I shove my trolley and let it go. It galumphs forward and comes to rest exactly parallel to the wall, a centimetre away from it. I grab my blue cleaning bucket and rubbish bag. My first room is Room 305, a King Deluxe. I feel good. This room will be perfect.

I knock on the door and say ‘Housekeeping.’ No sounds from inside. I say, ‘Housekeeping’ again. There is still no noise so I grab my key from my pocket and slide it in and out of the slot. I say, ‘Housekeeping’ one more time as I push the door open slowly.

I have learned to be cautious. One day I barged in on a scene. I remember the bouncing breasts, gasps, before I turned and ran back to the corridor where a dreadful sense of incompetence came over me.

From the silence and the darkness Room 305 is empty. Unless there’s a dead person. It happens all the time on the news, and we’ve been trained in what to do, but so far I’ve been lucky.

Certain that I’m not interrupting a living person I push my light card into the slot and the lamps switch on. I prop the door open with the doorstop and look around

the room. It’s messy but there’s no luggage. It’s definitely Vacant Dirty.

I picture Cameron leaning on the doorframe and saying, ‘You really brought the sparkle to this room.’

Inspired, I surge to work. I flush the toilet. I spray the sink with cleaning fluid. I pick up all the towels and pile them near the bathroom doorway. I pick up the detritus of hygiene – the used shampoos, shower cap and soap, abandoned toothbrushes – and throw them in the bathroom bin. I remove the bin liner and put it in my large rubbish bag outside the bathroom door. I spray the shower with cleaner and I tip blue liquid around the rim of the thankfully unstained toilet.

When I’m cleaning a toilet I find it hard to believe that room attending is a respected profession. Although I suppose doctors deal with bodily fluids too, and that used to be a respected profession.

I grab the mop from the linen cart outside and rinse it from the tap in the bath, squeezing out the water. The mop head is dirty and needs changing. I lean it against the wall.

I scoop up the towels from the floor and carry them into the main room and dump them on the bed.

Starting at the door I move in an anti-clockwise circle tidying around the room. I remove all non-hotel-standard materials and place hotel-standard objects in position. I turn on all the lights. I pick up pieces of rubbish.

I go to the bed. I take off the pillowcases and throw the pillows onto the armchair. I strip the doona and throw it onto the luggage rack. Pulling out its corners I use the under sheet as a sack to gather up all the linen and dirty towels. I take them outside and dump them in the bulging linen cart.

Where is the houseman? Bloody Cameron. Not so brilliant after all.

From my trolley I take a king size sheet and doona cover, and four pillowcases. Back at the bed I throw the sheet out across the bed in one movement. It unfolds midair and lands softly, flatly covering the bed. I move around it tucking in the corners, making sure the sheet stays taught and flat.

 

Cameron and I were taught how to make beds together in Room Attendant training. He was terrible at first, so slow and nobody thought he would make it. But after two months Sandy, our tutor, was calling him a genius.

Guests think Cameron’s good, but they can’t fully appreciate his work. It’s only Room Attendants who can really understand it. When you change one of his beds the corners are so tight that it’s hard to believe that anyone has slept in the bed. It amazes me.

One day Sandy sent me back to Room 411 to re-sheet the bed. I had been warned that I wasn’t tucking the top of the sheet in properly, but I kept pushing the boundaries of acceptability until I became unacceptable. I was upset about it, I confided in Cameron. He offered to help me. He came back to my house and we practised hospital corners in my room.

My housemate thought he liked me.

I explained to her that going into someone’s bedroom doesn’t mean the same thing for Room Attendants. He really had been tutoring me, it wasn’t a euphemism. But she kept asking about him, her curiosity fuelled my hope.

 

Taking the doona cover from the chair I flick it out so that it unfolds to flatness in the air. I pick the doona up off the chair. This part I am good at. People are stunned by how quickly I can put a doona cover on. It looks like one fluid motion, but it’s really one step after another ending with tying the four sets of strings at the end into bows. I pull the doona up to the top of the bed, moving around the bed to pull up both sides so that it is even. I imagine I have an audience now. They applaud.

 

Six months ago, I heard a voice as I bent over the doona cover. ‘No-one gets the bed as flat as you do.’ I jumped, surprised, and turned to the door. Cameron was leaning against the doorframe, but only his shirt touched the door, so he wouldn’t leave marks.

‘Shit! Sorry. You scared me.’ Heart beating. A good thing, but it’s more noticeable than usual.

‘Are you coming to lunch?

‘I was going to finish this room.’

‘I’m going now.’

‘Oh. I’ll come now.’

Other people, thrillingly, noticed. Cassie said, ‘You guys always have lunch together. He doesn’t talk to anyone else.’

‘Really?’

‘To be honest I assumed you were going out.’

 

But then only a couple months later Cameron was kneeling, his body tight and compact, tucking in the corners of Room 703. I’d chosen then to say everything. As he knelt and kept working he said a number of things…delightful – friends – thank-you – flattered… though more pauses than anything else. Embarrassment hits me coldly in the stomach, remembering my fruitlessly, stupidly plucked up courage.

Remembering all of this I hiss, ‘I hate myself.’. I give the doona corner a vicious and unhelpful tug adding contours and folds. I pick up the pillows and pillowcases and hurl them onto the bed. I shove the pillows into the bottom of the cases. I place them two by two at the top of the bed. I move around giving two tugs on each side, fixing my mistakes. I stand back to look.

No-one gets the bed as flat as you.

Trying not to think, I pick up a feather duster and a rag from my trolley and clean around the room in an anti-clockwise direction. I dust every surface. I note spaces where hotel-standard objects are missing. When I see a mark on the wall I use the magic eraser from my pocket to scrub at it. I flick the feather duster behind cupboards. In the mini-bar I turn labels to face the front. The Smirnoff is to the left of the Baileys. Make sure there are three (not two, not four) pieces of notepaper.

There are a thousand tiny rules to follow. Millions of unacceptable variations. To place everything within millimetres of its proper place, to remove all marks and all imperfections, to remember everything while hurtling around the room. Most people can’t do it.

I should feel happy to have reached this standard. But I want more. Cameron and I started training together but he’s the houseman now. Superstar.

 

Last week I was accepted into Room Attending College, the necessary theoretical component to becoming a professional Hotel Cleaner. I worked so hard for it, my parents are so proud. But yesterday, sitting in the lecture theatre all I could think about was the physicality of Cameron in the chair in front of me. He sat with someone else, and told a story I’d heard before about dusting air-conditioning vents. I could barely breathe.

Sandy began the lecture by saying, ‘What makes a truly great Room Attendant is attention to detail. It may seem impossible to master now but remember that great improvement is possible. Some of the best Room Attendants were incompetent as trainees. For example, Karl Studberg once failed to remove a used condom from the bedside drawer and passed the room as Vacant Inspected.’

Cameron nudged the girl next to him. She giggled.

That stupid simpering bitch!

 

I return to my trolley. I take one piece of notepaper, one robe, one can of coke, one pen, one envelope, two pairs of slippers, and place these carefully in their place. When I first started I always forgot things and wasted precious time going back to the trolley. Then I developed a system to remember. I counted how many items were needed. That way, when I collected them from the trolley I would know if I’d forgotten anything. Other people started doing it that way too, but no one called me a genius.

I go back to the bathroom. I put on my pink rubber gloves. I pour some cream cleanser onto the abrasive side of my yellow sponge and, with the hot tap running, I scrub the bath and tiles. There is a grimy ring around the bath, I doubt it was scrubbed after the last guest left. Tut tut tut. But then I think, As you’re perfect! God, I’m a bitch.

I spray the mirror with window cleaner and use a clean dry rag to wipe it down. I spray on more chemical and then use the rag to dry the bathroom sink and bench. I spray the silver taps with window cleaner, which makes them shine. I remember the first compliment I ever received from Sandy, she said, ‘You really brought the sparkle to these taps.’ For the next few hours I was awash with excruciatingly pleasant feelings.

I pick up the toilet brush, but don’t bother to scrub much as there is no need. I

I dry the shower thoroughly with my towel. Every drop of water is soaked up, starting by shining the taps, then the walls, then the bath itself. I arrange the shower curtain so that it rests inside the bath.

I return to my trolley piling up two towels, a bath mat, a hand towel, two face washers, two soaps, shampoo, conditioner, body lotion, comb, shower cap, sanitary bag, and a roll of toilet paper. This is all loaded in my arms when I hear a ding from the service lift.

Resting my load against the trolley I turn.

Cameron steps out.

We nod. He says, ‘Your linen cart’s pretty full.’

‘I’m aware of that.’

‘How are your rooms today?’

‘Fine. This one’s pretty messy.’

‘Yeah, well, they stayed for nearly two weeks.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ But I hadn’t noticed, hadn’t read the information on my board. That explains the dirty bath. Cameron has remembered the occupancy of a room he’s not even cleaning.

‘Could you bring me a new mop head?’

‘Sure.’

‘Mine’s filthy.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Whatever. Just soon would be good.’

Cameron moves to the linen cart and pushes it to the lift. I stalk back into the room. My hands shake a little as I position the soaps and shampoo. I hear Cameron transferring the dirty linen from the cart into lift. Then he pushes the empty linen cart back outside the door. I expect him to come back, look around, notice that my dusting has been particularly thorough. He used to make a point of complimenting me, in a mentoring kind of way. Perhaps I’ve disappointed him, not lived up to what he thought I could be.

But fuck that! He’s only two years older than me and we started training at the same time. We’re both in training college now. Why should I be under his wing? I won’t be patronized.

I fold towels. I position the bathmat and facecloths. I shine the bathroom door handle. I’m wasting time because I’m expecting him back. Eventually, I put my head out and see an empty corridor. He must have used the stairs. A moment passes then the rage. How dare he ignore me.

I’m shaking a bit as I pick up the bucket and wet rags and take them out of the bathroom, leaving only the mop. I go and get the vacuum cleaner and drag it into the room. You are such a stupid bitch, I think as I plug it in. Why would he want to talk to me? I’m horrible to him. I’m horrible. I adore him.

I vacuum furiously jabbing the vacuum under the bed as far as it will go. There is flaky dead skin and a big toenail near the edge of the bed. I carefully move the slippers near the bed to vacuum under them. There are spots on the carpet. I fetch the carpet cleaner and spray it on. After it turns white I jerkily suck at it with the pipe attachment. I vacuum the bathroom. Slurping up hairs lying in puddles of water. I turn the vacuum off and roll the cord up.

Cameron still hasn’t come back, I use the dirty mop head to mop the bathroom floor. I hang the mop back on the cart.

I step into the room for one last inspection. Room 305 is not a masterpiece. As I look at the carpet I see a spot I missed. The slippers aren’t parallel after I moved them to vacuum. There is a streak in the corner of the bedroom mirror, a mark on one of the walls. I can’t fix it all, I’ve already spent 31 minutes on this room, three minutes over schedule. I yank out my light key, take out the doorstop and leave the room knowing that I don’t deserve applause.

Cameron is standing near my trolley with a new, too late, mop head.

‘Thanks,’ I say, trying to be friendly, feeling guilty from before.

‘No worries. It’s my job.’

He’s so casual, so successful. Every day he receives shiny baubles of praise and recognition that add to his magnificence. He wears his confidence like a halo. My chest tightens with the old feelings, but I don’t know if it’s jealousy or love.

Sorry, you’ve been making your instant coffee all wrong

Tuesday February 28th, 2017 in Coffee | 2 Comments »

Instant coffee

(Image shows a jar of Nescafe, kettle and two mugs)

You might think that a hot beverage with a maximum of four ingredients (coffee, water, milk, sugar) and which only requires three implements to make (kettle, spoon, cup) would be hard to get wrong. But guess what? There are lots of ways to fail at making the perfect cup of instant coffee. Here are the common mistakes that people make, which you won’t after reading this.

Adding the hot water before the milk

For the love of God, when making a white coffee, please mix the milk and coffee together first. Dissolving the granules of coffee into the milk means they won’t feel scared when the hot water is poured from the kettle. Frightened coffee equals yucky coffee and a ruined day, so please protect your coffee’s emotional well-being with a milky blanket.

Using white sugar

Nothing says ‘I have no class’ like pure white crystals. What you want is tan-coloured lumpy raw sugar. As well as oozing sophistication, raw sugar is a healthier option because it hasn’t been cooked, which is the only thing that makes sugar bad for you.

Using the wrong mug

This is subjective. Everybody draws the line in a different place, but it’s important that you stay behind your own. For me, the green mug with pictures of candy canes and santas is a bridge too far. If candy cane santas is the only mug left in the cupboard I will give it to a visitor or wash something else for myself. I know this seems drastic but you will not be able to enjoy your delicious coffee if it is presented in the mug that makes you think ‘Not that mug. I hate that mug’.

Spooning International Roast into a Nescafe jar

You fool no-one and you will probably lose all your friends and die alone. I know people think I live in a gilded cage of privilege and to that I say squawk. But even from my diamond encrusted perch I can understand that not everyone can afford Nescafe Gold. And I believe that some people actually prefer the brands they purchase in bulk from cut price foreign supermarkets. And that is fine. As long as you are up front about it.

And put the milk in first.