5 fashion mistakes to avoid for the rest of your life

18th century women's hanging pocket. Cream fabric with brown embroidery
4×5 original

ONE: Shorts without pockets

Ambling in your local park, listening to all things you can’t hear, you spot a treasure on the ground. You bend to pick up the glittering prize and hold it up to the light. Yes indeed, a fine treasure. You try to slip the special object into your shorts pocket. Uh oh. No pockets.

So you hold your treasure in your hot little hand. You keep walking and see some sticks, a leaf you like the look of and, and some beguiling rocks. You gather them all into your arms but when you get home you realise the treasure is gone.

TWO: Dresses without pockets

You attend a presentation on Art preceded by light refreshments. That means canapes. After many minutes of staring longingly at the silver trays, eventually you are offered a mini-spring roll. You take a napkin and gobble down the hot, fatty treat. You join a conversation about lunchboxes and screw your napkin into a ball as you listen to opinions.

A bell rings and everyone is called into the presentation on Art. It is a high price to pay for one mini-spring roll. You sigh and follow the others into the theatre, scanning for a place to drop your serviette. There’s no bin so you try to put it in your pocket. Uh oh. No pocket.

You shove the napkin into your bag where it will stay until your death many decades later.

THREE: Pants without pockets

You try on a pair of pants in a shop. They fit perfectly, no gapping around the waistband, and they are comfortable when you sit down. You buy them.

The next day you dress carefully in your new pants and do a new pants dance. You lift up the pocket flap on your pants and try to slip your phone in. But it won’t go. Then you realise. It is a fake pocket.

Cursing your life and now running late because of the misguided dancing, you half run, half walk to the tram stop. Your phone rings from inside your bag. You slow down and open the bag, find the phone, and speak to your partner who tells you you they called by mistake. The tram you needed to catch sails past.

FOUR: Culottes with no pockets

You waft from the house excited to spark the question, ‘Is that a skirt or pants?’ all the live long day day.

Voluminous fabric billows around you as you step outside into a bright spring day. Suddenly, it hits you. First itchy eyes. Then, a tickle in your nose. Finally a massive sneeze. You reach for a tissue in your pocket. Uh oh. No pockets. You spend the rest of the day fumbling in your bag for tissues, unable to revel in the confusion your pants/skirt hybrid outfit creates.

FIVE: Overalls with no pockets

You are fixing a pipe and have nowhere to put your spanner.

In each of the scenarios above, you have only yourself to blame, but I think it’s worth trying to sue the manufactures as well. There are many class actions afoot and the Hague has been alerted.

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