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Bridezilla forwards

February 5th, 2019
White dress and blue undies hanging on clothes line.

Photo: Penelope Claire

I am frequently entertained by internet Bridezilla horror stories, and  it’s time for me to give back.

I’m already married, but should I be lucky enough to wed again I aim to issue instructions to my invited guests that are so outlandish that someone will post them on their socials, where they will go viral.

It will be my little gift to the internet, which has given me so much. I’m thinking karma, paying it forward and doing unto others.

To ensure invitees don’t think I’m joking and chuckle rather than becoming enraged and betraying me on Reddit, I need to keep my outrageous instructions somewhat aligned with my authentic self. These are my working notes.*

  1. Performance: All guests should learn one chapter of The Inimitable Jeeves off by heart. Don’t all learn the same chapter. That’s lazy. You will be required to recite your chapter before being allowed into the reception venue. No exceptions unless you have a medical certificate from a proper doctor (specialist preferred). I won’t be listening, as I only accept Jeeves narrated by Jonathan Cecil, but your effort will prove that you care enough to be included in my special day 🙂
  2. Dress code: Guests may wear whatever they want, but all attire must be washed and donated at the end of the evening – BEFORE you leave the venue. No spare clothes may be changed into as this would defeat the zero-waste point. My local op-shops will gratefully receive any of the items that I don’t want 🙁 If you want to be a gold-star guest, think about my size and style when you’re selecting your outfit!
  3. Gifts: Honestly, the best thing you can bring is yourself. However. I know you would feel so guilty about attending the wedding of the century and not giving anything in return. So just 10-15% of your annual before tax income donated to your local (STATE) school will make you feel better. This  is obviously not a sustainable, equitable school funding model, so please also vote as requested in the “how to vote if you love me” package I will forward to you prior to elections. Send photographic proof that you have done so if you want to stay in my life.
  4. Food: Please eat before attending the reception. Ample food will be served, but it will mainly be for me. Just to be clear, there may not be enough for you to eat. I’ve been very honest, so don’t act surprised. Let me explain my vision: I will be seated at the top table with three people I barely know and a priest. Our table will be laden with cakes and pastries. A separate table will hold half as much food for all the other guests. This is to replicate the absolutely amazing time I had at my First Communion in Grade 4. Such a spiritual occasion deserves nothing less.
  5. Honeymoon: You’re invited! To minimise our carbon footprint, we will be having a staycation. In order to differentiate this time from normal life we are requesting our wonderful friends and family create a 5-star resort experience at our home by tending to our every need (cooking, cleaning, concierge service, gentle waking if afternoon naps go over an hour). Obviously, you will pretend not to know us to avoid awkwardness. Also, I don’t want to hear about rostering issues. Just work it out people!

*Don’t worry, I’m not ruining the plan by sharing it now. I will only invite people who I’ve known for less than six months so as to maximise their unwillingness to comply with my requests.

Posted in haters, narrators

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