P is for Phonetic: An English Spelling is Phucked Alfabet

I’m not one of the world’s great spellers. I blame English.

Below I’ve expressed my frustration (with some swears apologies). If illustrated this could be a lovely baby board book or frieze for a child’s room.

Aa

A is for Art. Apparently. Not R, because that would be easy. Rseholes.

Bb

There are two Bs in bomb. For no good reason. Bumb.

Cc

There are no Cs in sea, or see. There’s one in c***s though.

Dd

There’s a D in sandwich. Stick it up your andus.

Ee

E is for excrement. Not X because it’s s**t.

Ff

There are two Fs in giraffe. FFS.

Gg

G is for gonerreah, making it the most sensible letter in the word.

Hh

H is for hours of my life wasted trying to spell hierarchy.

Ii

There’s no I in eye. I give in.

Jj

There’s a J in marijuana. No wonder people stick to heroin.

Ll

Lolly has three Ls, lily has two.

I want to scream, how about you?

Mm

M is for mnemonic, and you’ll need one to remember how to spell it.

Nn

N is knot for knife. Who new.

Oo

There’s two Os in colonel, but none in kernel. How’s your colon feeling?

Pp

P is for pterodactyl. What ptwat decided that?

Qq

Q is for queue. Four extra vowels, why? Queueunts.

Rr

R is the second letter in are. RUOK? No. I’m aropeable.

Ss

There’s an S is in aisle and isle. Homonyms with no s sound. I’lls be buggered.

Tt

There’s a T in listen, but you can’t hear it. I shi you no.

Uu

U is the last letter in you. nf***ingbelievableu.

Vv

V is for vagina. I have no problem with that.

Ww

W is for write. Rankers.

Xx

There’s an X in box but not blocks. Bollox.

Yy

There’s a Y in why but not where you’d think. It’s ysh**t.

Zz

Z is not for xylophone. F*** off! Zactly.