Don’t be a banana, learn these life rules now

If you haven’t achieved certain milestones by a certain age you are certainly a failure. To make sure these rules are clear to everyone, I have written this blog post that max 35 people will read.

By age 20

You should own a pair of toads. Maybe when you were a teenager you borrowed your parents’. Guess what? You’re an adult now. Get your own.

By age 32

You should own a strap-on wicker laundry hamper that you carry with you everywhere in case you stumble across dirty linen. It’s called adulting.

By age 45

All your furniture and interior fittings should match. If they don’t, choose some contact paper and get to work. Yes, the corners will be tricky, and you need to watch out for bubbles under the surface, but this is what your forties are for. If you can tell where the coffee table ends and the floor begins, people are laughing at you.

By age 58

You should have a secret job that you’re very proud of, but no-one else can know about. It will be dangerous, glamorous and involve inter-state travel.

By age 67

You should have published a memoir. This doesn’t have to be a book, it may just take the form of spiteful tweets. These should rehash old grievances and set fire to the stumps of long-demolished bridges.

By age 80

None of your friends should be ex lovers.

By age 82

All of your friends should be ex lovers.