What should we do about the children?

I think we can all agree that today’s children are the worst ever.

Equally, we all know this is the fault of the parents.

However, do not despair! There are some simple steps parents can take to lessen the likelihood of their children becoming terrible adults who ruin human civilization.


These days, every layer of the pass-the-parcel contains a prize and it is creating a generation of monsters. To counter this, in my home, every pass-the-parcel layer contains an organic play-dough model of a newly extinct species. The final layer contains two dead sticks. This is a rich opportunity for children to learn about losing.


Children are rude, parents let them get away with it, and this ultimately leads to knife-crime. If your child fails to say ‘thank you’ when handed their babycino in a cafe, remind them that in a few years, cafes won’t exist. Then use their babycino foam to write anti-coal messages on the table.

Screen time

Children these days have no concentration span because of screens. We are raising a generation of square-eyes who won’t look good in hats. If your children must look at light-boxes of moving pictures, make sure they exclusively watch David Attenborough documentaries and Four Corners.


Children these days are handed everything they want on a plate. Ponies don’t fit on plates, but parents have no sense and cram them on anyway. Luckily, there are easy ways to develop children’s resilience. For example remind them that because their parents and grandparents failed to act on global warming, they will have shorter, harder lives.

Don’t do any of this. Go the Global Climate Strike. 20 September 2019.

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