Six things you should never say to someone who is so hungry they can’t decide what to eat

cafe menuSometimes when people are very hungry they become physically and mentally weakened and it becomes hard for them to decide what they would like to eat. We’d all like to support people in this painful condition, but so often friends, family and colleagues get it very wrong and say something that not only makes the sufferer’s anguish worse but can actually prolong the decision making process. Please read on to educate yourself about what not say in these circumstances.

1. What do you feel like eating?

Firstly, it’s not that simple. There are many factors to consider when ordering food including price, health, ethics and whether you’ve brought a spare change of clothes. If it was as simple as deciding on a preference the waitress might not be hovering awkwardly while my mouth opens and shuts with no sound coming out. Secondly, I don’t know what I feel like. This is hard for me, please don’t make it harder.

2. I think we need a few more minutes.

Now you’ve told the waitress to go away. Now I have to wait even longer. I am genuinely not sure if I will make it.

3. Try to visualise yourself eating the meal to help you decide.

Do I look like I’m on a mountain retreat at peace with nature and at one with my mind? If so, why have I made five trips to peer at the specials board, scarcely able to understand it, and why can’t I stop shredding napkins? Also, you suggested I try visualisation in the last three cafes we went to before this one, where I was unable to choose anything and we had to leave without ordering. I am even hungrier than I was then, so what are the chances of me being able to visualise anything now? How about you try to visualise yourself not being a complete arsehole.

4. I’ll swap with you if you don’t like yours.

But what if I don’t like yours either? Mitigate risk, don’t just create more of it.

5. First world problems!

How. Dare. You. Oprah says all pain is the same. Anyway you’re not even supposed to use the term ‘first world’ now. STOP PATRONISING EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

6. I think you might be a bit hangry.

Don’t tell me how I feel. I’m not hangry I am legitimately incensed by the fact that there are three types of orange juice on the menu and I can’t remember if jamon is a type of cheese or meat and I’m too embarrassed to ask because I think it’s something that everyone is supposed to know by the age of 34. That’s it. We have to leave this place too.

The one thing that you should say: Here, have a biscuit.

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