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Four things not to say to new parents

February 17th, 2018

I’ve written before about what not to do when visiting new parents. But sometimes saying things is a kind of doing too. So, here’s what not to say to a new parent.

1. What’s that smell?

I don’t know. Pick an orifice, they’ve all got problems. Surveys show that 90% of new parents, like me, have no idea where the smell is coming from. Stop asking.

2. I’ve read Ulysses by James Joyce.

Have you? Have you really? So have I. Shut-up. I’m only interested in discussing Ulysses with people who haven’t read it so that I win. New parents are exactly the same. (Note this also applies to Infinite Jest.)

3. There’s no point addressing climate change because of China.

New parents might be tired, but they haven’t lost all sense. Stop your nonsense.

4. I was upgraded to business class!

The fat ratses I give about this are zero. I have sat in plenty of seats with legroom. It’s called a couch.  There was free alcohol! You also get that at twenty-firsts. They gave you a hot towel!? I spend all day handing warm flannels to children – they manage their excitement better than you.

Basically, I’m not interested in a  tick-tock of how your business class grade upgrade happened. I’m sure new parents  also hate this.

In summary, there are a myriad of ways to be insensitive and annoy people, and by people, I mean me. Stoppit.

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