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If the Baby-Sitters Club played netball

Friday May 4th, 2018 in Baby-Sitters Club, Sport | No Comments »

How did I only just think of this? Let’s not waste anymore time.

Kristy

Obviously, Kristy plays Centre.

During a close semi-final Kristy deliberately steps into the opposition goal circle to draw a free pass and prevent a shot at goal. Her plan works but her guilt at her own un-sportspersonlike behaviour takes a whole book to work through. #676 Kristy and the Umpire Who Should Have Called Advantage.

Mary Anne

Wing Attack. Because, you know, blah.

In #5456 Mary Anne Forgets her Netball Nicks, she and her steady boyfriend, Logan, start a mixed netball team to make their relationship stronger. Unfortunately, evil bitch Cookie is on the opposing team and dobs Mary Anne in for a uniform violation. Luckily, Logan sees through Cookie’s evil plan and they break her finger.

Stacey

Goal Attack. If you need me to explain why, it’s hard to understand why you’re reading this. Stacey is sophisticated AND up-herself.

Stacey has too many oranges. #43243 The Truth About Stacey is She Has Something Stuck in her Teeth.

Claudia

Goal Shooter – because she’s lazy, but useful.

Claudia wants to quit netball to concentrate on eating junk food and reading erotica. In #93402 Claudia and the Sad Shooting Percentage, Kristy finally replaces Claudia with her seven-year-old sister Karen Two-two. Unfortunately, Karen is also committed to another netball team and gets an ankle injury from pivoting too much. Kristy makes Claudia rejoin the team.

Dawn

Goal Defence – because she works hard and then judges.

In #3423964 Dawn Saves the Game, Dawn makes natural, chemical-free, organic deodorant for the whole team. They all pretend to wear it, and Dawn can’t smell herself, so she thinks it works.

Jessi

Goal Keeper – because Jessi is tall and graceful, and, as a ballet dancer, she can balance on one leg.

In #89042 Jessi and the Big Decision, Jessi is forced to choose between netball and ballet. She chooses ballet.

Mallory

Wing Defence. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.

In #4342 Mallory is Here If You Need, Mallory thinks her longed for chance to play Centre has arrived when Kristy is sidelined with hepatitis. But, instead, Kristy organises for Shannon to fill in. Mallory learns that she will never be important, just as she will never be older than eleven and get to baby-sit at night. She starts bringing the oranges.

FAQs – Netball Bib Bags

Saturday December 30th, 2017 in Craft, Sport | No Comments »

Three netball bib bags. Two black in back and one green Wing Attack bag at front

I’ve become tired of answering the same questions about my netball bib bags (sold through the Etsy shop If You Need). I’ve prepared this list of answers to Frequently Asked Questions.

I have hands and arms. Why should I use a bag to carry things?

Bags can greatly assist in the ease and efficiency of transporting a range of items. I’ve written more fully on the topic here. Although it can feel strange at first, most people who start using bags say they wish they had done so earlier.

Were any netballers harmed in the production of your bags?

If You Need is a certified netballer friendly organisation. Our netball bib bags are made from 100% genuine netball bibs. All netball players are safely and ethically removed before processing begins.

Are netball bib bags reversible?

Yes. Netball bib bags are lined and can be reversed by turning them inside out. Reversing the bag will hide the bib’s position, so this is the suggested styling for Wing Defence bags.

Can I carry a netball bib bag with a position I don’t play?

There’s no law against it, it’s a matter of conscience.

How many netball bib bags should I own?

One hundred is too many, zero is too few. While there are no hard and fast rules to work this out I’ve found that your age divided by three plus seven is generally ample.

Do you make anything else out of netball bibs?

This is an area of current research and development. Plans for future development using netball bibs include a perpetual motion machine and gold.

Your future in 2018 according to Netballstrology

Tuesday December 26th, 2017 in Craft, Sport | No Comments »

Astrology chart overwritten with netball positions and with an orange in the centre.

Your netball position is highly predictive of your future. I’ve spent many hours meditating on an orange (very painful and sticky) in order to divine these uncannily accurate netballstrology readings. Read on to find out what 2018 has in store for you.

Note: The bags pictured are available at www.ifyouneed.etsy.com

Green Goal Shooter netball bib bagGoal Shooter

With Mercury peeling the orange in 2018, this should be a great year for Shooters.

Career

You are a person who can take the long-view. That is because you are tall. If not, you might want to reconsider your position in 2018. If you decide to stay in your current role, you should try to get a window seat at your workplace. You might have a lot of time to stare out of it.

Relationships

I’m seeing a lot of armpits in your life in 2018. As usual, ignore them. (I’m really talking about romance.) You have the good sense to stay in the place where you’re most needed, so don’t let anyone tempt you into areas you’re not comfortable in.

Health

On court, Goal Shooters have finely tuned minds with a laser-like focus on accuracy. Once the game is over they are likely to wander off without handing in their bib to be washed. Keep your brain nimble by eating good oils and also watch out for ankle injuries.

 

Blue Goal Attack netball bib bagGoal Attack

With the goal-post waxing in 2018, this will be a year where Goal Attacks’ versatility and skill can shine. Also, in June you will kill again.

Career

Some people have one job, but you have at least two and you’re great at both. You’re a go-getter but you’re also quite accurate. So, don’t hold back with your opinions in the workplace. If you see something you don’t agree with, in an area you’re not technically allowed in, stand as close as you can and shout advice.

Love

In 2018 try not to worry if a relationship doesn’t work out as you planned. Chances are, someone else was obstructing you and y ou’ll get another crack at it.

Health

You’re good at ignoring armpits thrust in your face but don’t forget to check your breasts if you have them.

 

Yellow Goal Keeper netball bib bagGoal Keeper

With the weakness in the opposition attack in 2018, this should be a quiet year for Goal Keepers.

Career

If you are working for a successful organisation, you may have little to do in 2018. Relish this and work on mindfulness. How many things can you smell that aren’t deep heat? Keep a list.

Love

We all know that the best way to attract a mate is to stick your armpit in their face. Keep using that tactic in 2018, it’s bound to work eventually.

Health

Sitting is the new smoking and we’re all supposed to stand more. This is good news for Goal Keepers who spend most of their time standing around. To make this activity even more beneficial, do some pelvic floor exercises.

 

Light blue Goal Defence netball bib bagGoal Defence

The goal circle is still a semi-circle in 2018, which means Goal Defenders can expect the relentless grind to continue this year.

Career

In 2017 you did twice as much work as your colleague for the same reward in oranges. It’s your own fault for being so damn competent. Nothing will change in 2018. Now jog back for the centre pass and get on with it.

Love

When it comes to love, you have to be in it to win it. You should stick your arms up at every opportunity, provided you’re the legally mandated distance away. Having said that, rebounds are your best chance in 2018, so watch out for other people’s failures and be ready to pounce on them.

Health

You spend so much time fixing other people’s mistakes that it’s hard to find time to look after yourself. On the bright side, at least you’re getting plenty of exercise.

 

Red Wing Attack netball bib bagWing Attack

With the sun hovering over the transverse line, Wing Attacks can expect a big year in 2018. Unless one of their team members doesn’t turn up, then you might have to play in goals, which will be a disaster as per usual.

Career

Wing Attacks – are you living up to your potential? Do I hear you say no? Actually, the answer is yes. The truth is, just like how you don’t play Centre, you’re where you are in your career for a reason. And that reason is limited talent. “Keep doing what you’re doing” said the man to the tree as if it needed his advice.

Love

Singles – showing people they need you is a wonderful way to make them love you. That’s why you bring the oranges, right? In the second half of the year you will try a similar tactic on a love interest by baking cakes.

Paired-up Wing Attacks can expect to continue to be the only one in the relationship who makes the cakes.

 

Blue Wing Defence netball bib bagWing Defence

2018 should be a bumper year for Wing Defenders provided they don’t have unrealistic expectations of receiving love, recognition or a fair share of the oranges.

Career

Just because you’re the first person to be offered a redundancy when your workplace restructures, doesn’t mean your role’s contribution isn’t considered as important as other people’s. Actually, that’s exactly what it means. But just because you will never receive any reward or recognition, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try your hardest.

Love

When you see other people enjoying each other’s company, stand as close as you’re legally able and let them know that you’re there if they need you.  They don’t, but that is hardly the point.

Health

Watch out for ankle injuries.

 

Centre

Assuming you win the toss, 2018 starts with you; it’s just a shame it will also involve less competent people.

Career

You’ve usually got an iron in every fire and 2018 will be no exception – you’ll be all over the place, in a good way, of course. However, there’s still the pesky matter of the goal circles where other people will ruin or validate your good-work.  You can’t control everything. Let it go. By which I mean, scream instructions at your colleagues. Remember, you will be the one who fixes their mistakes…and then they will make more of them.

Love

“Centres should try seeing things from their partner’s perspective” says the person who knows nothing about power dynamics. As a wise Centre you know that you’re indispensable, so do what you want and have fun love-rat!

Health

Do you feel exhausted? Probably, but better than being lazy like everyone else, am I right? You’re at least a third healthier than anyone else you know so let smugness be your energy.

Money

I’m joking. This has no relevance to netball. In 2018 you will come into a lot of citrus fruit. Eat as much as you want, you deserve it.

 

Bags

Saturday November 25th, 2017 in Craft, Sport | No Comments »

I’ve started turning netball bibs into bags and selling them on Etsy.

Customer research suggests that the main factor limiting sales is that people don’t think they need a bag, believing it is better to move things using their hands alone. In fact, bags are a practical way to carry a wide range of items. Once you start carrying things in bags, the possibilities are endless. Here’s a list of just some of the ideas.

1. Shopping

Are you sick of carrying armfuls of produce back to your house, before returning to the supermarket to get more? Bags will save you heaps of trips back and forth.

2. Personal items

Keys, wallets, phones and neck pillows can all be carried in bags instead of pockets. In fact, bags are in many ways a detachable pocket.

3. Collections

I cannot walk down the street without finding an old leaf or stick that I just have to have. Instead of clutching these (which makes holding hands to cross the road difficult), try putting your gorgeous and essential collection in a bag.

4. A change of clothes

Spilled food, weather, rolling in dirt – all of these things happen. Carrying a change of clothes in a bag is a practical alternative to wearing three t-shirts.

5. Secrets

Many styles of bags are opaque, meaning that others can’t see what they contain. This allows you to discretely carry soiled underwear and treasure maps – no more stuffing them up your jumper and hoping no-one notices.

(Please note that these bags are not appropriate for transporting live animals, uranium or unrestrained water.)

Netballstrology – June 2017

Monday May 22nd, 2017 in Sport | No Comments »

Astrology chart overwritten with netball positions and with an orange in the centre.

Everyone knows that astrology is rubbish, right? Equally however, everyone knows that you can tell a lot about a person based on what netball position they play. I would go further and argue that you can predict a person’s future based their netballstrology chart. Here are my prophecies for June.

Centre

You’re all over the place and June will be no exception. However, there’s still that pesky matter of the goal circles where other people ruin or validate your good work.  You can’t control everything. Let it go. By which I mean, scream instructions. Remember, the ball will always alternate back to you for the centre pass, and then other people will ruin your life again. In June you will come into a lot of citrus fruit. Eat as much as you want, you deserve it.

Wing Defence

If. You. Need. Let’s think about those three little words. Actually, let’s not, it’s too sad. No-one will need you this month either, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there. Actually, I tell you what we do need. Someone to wash the bibs.

Wing Attack

Are you living up to your potential? No? Actually, the answer is yes. The truth is, you’re where you are for a reason. And that reason is probably limited talent. “Keep doing what you’re doing” said the man to the tree as if it needed his advice.

Goal Keeper

You’re tall. This gives you a valuable perspective on your surroundings. It’s like you’re standing on your desk all the time without Mr Keating even telling you to. June will provide new opportunities to utilise your lofty heights. At my house. We have a few light bulbs that need changing. Just stick your arms up, we know you can.

Goal Defence

Do you ever feel like you’re doing twice as much work as someone else standing only a few metres away? Remember, rewards come in many forms and some of them may seem like painful broken bones at first but then you realise it’s a blessed relief granting you a break from all the relentless, unrewarding, unappreciated work that you do. So in June I recommend that you let go of the handrail on the stairs, scatter some banana peel around your bathroom and joyfully anticipate the inevitable splat and eight weeks in a moonboot.

Goal Shooter

I’m seeing a lot of armpits in your life in June. As usual, ignore them. (I’m really talking about relationships.)

Goal Attack

I get that you’re a go-getter, but you didn’t get this far in life without also being quite accurate. So this month, don’t hold back with your opinions. If you see something you don’t agree with in an area you’re not technically allowed in, stand as close as you can and shout encouraging advice. Also, in June you will kill again.

A Personal Glossary of Netball

Wednesday April 19th, 2017 in Knowledge, School, Sport | No Comments »
Early game of netball with text of positions and oranges added. One player says 'If you Need!'

Early netball game

When I was in primary school I was desperate to start my netball career. I was certain that “career” was the right word as I planned to play netball for Australia and therefore become rich and famous. Behold my nesting dolls of delusion.

Joining my first team, Newstead Junior 2, was the start of a very steep netball learning curve. Unfortunately it wasn’t steep enough to lead to international netball, but I still learnt a few things, which I’d like to share.

Indoor Netball

When I was in high school I played a couple of seasons of mid-week indoor netball. This has all the same rules as outdoor netball except you’re allowed to kill people. It was an incredibly rough competition. Luckily the courts were surrounded with nets and there was no bitumen so breaking a pelvis didn’t hurt.

A team from a local low-security prison were also in the competition. One week one of their players threatened to kill Julia. This was clearly unacceptable. So at half-time our captain swapped Julia out of that position. And swapped me in. I was baffled by this decision because I tend to shit people at the best of times.

I kept my distance and the woman only threatened to punch me in the face. I didn’t play my best half of netball ever, but it wasn’t the point. I had discovered something important about myself; people didn’t always want to kill me.

The next week this lady apologised, explaining that she hadn’t been taking her medication. No worries I said. No worries at all.

As a general rule, the prison team were much less frightening than the young mums team who brought their toddlers to the game, smoked next to the court and absolutely hated our university-destined guts, to which I can only say fair enough as I imagine we were pretty annoying.

Losing

For me, netball and losing are intertwined. I have never been a member of a winning netball team. I’ve never played in a final. I probably lost 95% of all netball games I played in. The score for my first ever netball game was 17 – 1. With losing so inevitable I set other goals. I might feel like we’d had a great game because we achieved half the score of the winning team, or because we won one quarter, or because no-one wanted to kill me (see Indoor Netball).

Mixed Netball

Men playing netball may seem shocking but once you accept that not everyone will be classically trained (and you might witness such horrors as a Goal Attack taking a free pass outside the goal circle) mixed netball can be quite fun. I’ve filled in for a few mixed netball teams in Melbourne and have mainly enjoyed it without tsking.

Graph of straight line saying "What people think sucess looks like" next to a photo of a netball trophy Newstead Junior 2 Most ImprovedMost Improved

One of the proudest achievements of my life was winning the Most Improved trophy in my first netball season. I did deserve that trophy. I had started the season playing half games as a Wing Attack. I ended the year getting the occasional quarter as Centre. The lesson is, make sure you start as badly as you can to maximise apparent improvement.

Netball nicks

These are a pair of black underpants worn over your normal underpants so that no-one sees your underpants when your incredibly short skirt flies into the air. Here’s a thought – shorts.

Oranges

Orange quarters are the perfect food for half-time. All athletes like to be sticky and have bits in their teeth.

Ra Ra Ra

When I played classical netball, at the end of each game both teams were required to stand in a circle with our arms around each other and chant:

Three cheers for “Winning Team”, Ra, Ra, Ra.

Three cheers for “Losing Team”, Ra, Ra, Ra.

Three cheers for the umpires, Ra, Ra, Ra.

I presume we were made to do this to prepare us for the for the indignities of giving birth.

Socks

Socks were very controversial on the ’90s netball court. Ankle sports socks were the fashion but were banned. Everyone still wore them (except me because my mum wouldn’t let me) and usually nothing was said. The exception was on the one occasion when my C Grade team Wesley Hill unexpectedly and uniquely won a game. Our opposition team (I say that, but I mean their mums) put in an official complaint about our socks and we didn’t get the match points.

I like to hope that these dark ’90s days of socking shaming teenage girls have passed, but I thought that about Pauline Hanson.

Umpiring

I am always shocked by sports where the players criticise the umpires. This was not allowed when I played netball. I don’t know how they achieved such discipline but I think it involved making examples of people.

I only personally umpired one game of netball. I had aced the written netball umpiring test and felt quietly confident. Then I discovered that in real life it’s  all a lot more confusing than in the book. No-one actually abused me while the game was going on, but after there were a number of official complaints, including from the team who won.

 

Olympic Dreams

Friday April 22nd, 2016 in School, Sport | No Comments »

Amigosparasiempre

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on my dream to be an Olympic athlete.

It started when I was in Grade 5 and the Olympics were in Barcelona. It was a great Olympics. The theme song by Andrew Lloyd Weber Amigos Para Siempre was even more moving than Memory, Kieren Perkins smashed his own world record in the 1500m freestyle final, and I became determined to march into an Olympic stadium as an athlete.

I wrote in my Grade 5 diary:

“I have a dream to get to the Olympics not as a spectator but as a competitor. And God Dam it if I don’t. I am turning 11 next week. My days of being ten are numbered.”

The only problem was that I wasn’t at all sure which sport I would excel in. I wasn’t worried though. I assumed it would only be a matter of time before I discovered it.

It hasn’t happened. Instead, one by one I have gotten too old for all the sports. It started with gymnastics. By the age of 13, when I should have been reaching my gymnastical peak I couldn’t touch my toes. Then I realised I couldn’t swim fast, then I realised I couldn’t run fast. Then I realised I was hopelessly uncoordinated, ruling out all ball sports and anything with a stick.

Fortunately, in my primary school diaries I also said I wanted to be an actor, a great debator, travel around the world without using aeroplanes like Michael Palin, and (this was implied) become a nun. So still, lots of options. But oh! The Olympics would have been great.

PS I also used to want to be one of the cats in Cats but that’s not happening either.

Coverage

Thursday July 14th, 2011 in Podcasts, Sport | No Comments »

The Sag Wagon podcasts, which I’ve been listening to every day, are basically coverage of SBS’s coverage of the Tour de France. As someone who cannot be arsed staying up to watch the Tour, but would still like to be informed every time a commentator mixes a metaphor, or a farmer makes a giant sculpture out of cow poo, I appreciate this.

But not everyone has the time, inclination or ability to listen to a podcast. So for those people…

Podcast 11 was a return to form for the Sag Wagon team following a workman like Podcast 10. Host Sam Pang (stranger in a strange land and knows nothing about cycling) and Dave Culbert (don’t call him a former Olympian) opened with a solid gambit about the tour starting tomorrow in the mountains, as opposed to a week and a half ago when, to the untrained eye, the tour appeared to start. This provided the fuel and the theme for the rest of the podcast.

Agenda
We saw a relaxed attitude to the agenda in Episode 11. As Sophie Smith (actually knows what’s she’s talking about) delivered the news, the conversation naturally diverted to Podium Watch, Where did Tony Martin Finish? and Aussie Watch. This free-flowing approach worked well for them, and we may hear more of this in the future.

Names
This episode was all about consolidating established names, including Greipel as the Baby Gorilla and the original Thor Hushovd, God of Thunder. Sophie Smith did not gain any new names and remains solid as the Lois Lane of Cycling, Agent 86, and the Jana Wendt of Cycling.

Did Sophie Smith go to Sleep?
The way I heard it, no. Although she did take a little Googling break to look up the definition of a viscount, she came across as conscious throughout the podcast. This was good to hear after a disappointing Episode 10 where she faded after delivering the News and probably nodded off.

So, that’s my take on the coverage of the coverage. So I bet reading this is almost like being at the Tour, yes?

Men crying update

Monday July 11th, 2011 in Podcasts, Sport, Television | No Comments »

I’m following the Tour de France through SBS’s Sag Wagon podcasts. They only go for about 30 minutes each, but when it’s over I look up the footage they’ve talked about and it pretty much provides enough audio visual fun for a whole evening.

Last week I listed my top men crying moments. I can add another one to the list today. Johnny Hoogerland cried while receiving the polka dot jersey. And having just watched the accident footage, I can see why. It is amazing that he managed to get up from that crash at all, let alone finish the stage and get on the podium.

It’s a rest day on the Tour now so the Sag Wagon are also taking a break. Luckily, I can always fall back on that other great competitive spectacle for excitement, Toddlers and Tiaras. It’s got the determination, it’s got the spills, it’s got just as much fake tan and just as little body hair. And as the pageant parents say, beauty pageants are just like sport. It’s so easy to judge, but how is getting your five year old’s eyebrows waxed any different from buying them a bike and putting Spokey Dokes in the wheels?

Lessons learned

Tuesday April 5th, 2011 in Audio books, Sport | No Comments »

I’m listening to The Road by Catherine Jinks read by Kate Oliver, described as a “chilling thriller”. I borrowed it because I love Catherine Jinks.

I am highly affected by scary things (I find Midsomer Murders gritty and disturbing). The Road is becoming quite tense and that is causing problems. Yesterday before work I became over-engaged in the story and just sat on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes listening instead of putting on socks.

I should have known this would happen after the whole Murder on the Orient Express debacle. Unfortunately I am not a very good learner by experiencer.

Yesterday I also went to a session to learn about sports nutrition. It was all about a frightening one kilogram tub of protein. The fact that I found the product’s catch phrase, “train harder, more often” vastly unappealing and would have preferred “train less hard, less often” suggests I’m not really in the target market.

However, I did learn something useful about nutrition yesterday after all. Don’t eat a chicken and mayonnaise roll at 5.15 and then go for an energetic run at 6.30. Lesson learned. Although, I did previously learn a very similar lesson involving yogurt and a big piece of oat slice.