1. How do you serve red currant wine?
a) Undiluted and in huge quantities to school friends.
b) In moderation and not to minors.
c) I have all the wine now please.
2. How do you feel about puffed sleeves?
a) I bloody love puffed sleeves.
b) I can’t believe how many puffed sleeves have blessed my life – it’s almost getting old but it never will.
c) I used to look hot in puffed sleeves.
3. How do you feel about Gilbert Blythe?
a) Next time he ties my plaits to the desk I’m going to nail his dick to the wall.
b) I liked him better before he started proposing to me all the darn time.
c) I’m delighted that my career and ambitions have been subsumed by my role as wife and mother to his children, making the fact that I beat him in the exams all those years ago thrillingly pointless.
4. How many times do you make the same mistake?
5 Is it a good idea to pretend to be dead in a boat?
c) Is that a serious offer? Can I really please be dead in a boat?
You are Anne of Green Gables: You have hair like a bag of carrots and a temper like a bag of especially feisty baby corns (trust me on this – anyone mentions religion or negative gearing and baby corns go sweary ranty). Your dreams are as big as your sleeves in your dreams; Let’s hope they all come true!
You are Anne of the Island: Your hair is auburn now apparently. You were probably proposed to a couple of times this week alone. You’re super smart and ready to take on the world!
You are Anne of Ingleside: You’ve got kids. That’s all I know really, no-one reads this far in the series. That’s probably because you have kids now and it’s depressing.
When I’m bored I write things.
That’s why I wrote my first book, Loving Richard Feynman. It wasn’t because I had an idea burning inside of me like a really hot burning thing. I didn’t feel compelled to express my myriad of thoughts and emotions or otherwise burst. It was because I was living overseas with no job and no friends and I was really, really bored. Writing took up time and gave me a sense of purpose and achievement (sometimes).
A lot of the things I write because I’m bored never actually ‘go anywhere’. I show them to a few relevant people, hopefully they enjoy it, then we all move on. They don’t become published books, or plays, or official merchandise.
Metaly, I’m a little bored tonight, which is why I’m writing this. Here’s some other things I wrote just cos I was bored:
Fake Cosmopolitan quizzes
I wrote these in high school when I often found school life less than completely stimulating. My quizzes had titles like, Are you a Sex Maniac? and Do I Hate You? They are too rude and angry to reproduce.
Fake essay questions
When I friend missed a class in Year 12 I told her we had been given an extra essay to do. The questions I made up were on Maestro by Peter Goldsworthy
“Rosie wasn’t wearing any knickers”: Paul’s growing sexual awareness completely overtakes his life to the extent that the Maestro and the musical world must always take second place. If the Maestro had worn no knickers, Paul would have shown more interest in his life’s story and learning the piano. Discuss.
My friend believed me for about thirty seconds and her panic amused me.
Public Service Fortune teller
I’m not saying that I’m ever bored at work, because my job is very stimulating and busy. But one day I did find time to make this at work, presumably at lunch time:
I’ve been told this could be turned into merch. Wouldn’t you just love to get one of these in a Kris Kringle? Personally, I would prefer an Oxfam duck.
Public Sector Values Compliance Training questions
Once again, never am I less than flat-chat and fully productive at work. But one day after work when I was a little bored I wrote these additional questions for an on-line training course we’d all just completed.
You are having difficulties with a colleague at work. You suspect that she rushed a particular assignment and did a poor job. You are concerned this will reflect badly on your department and make kittens sad.
What should you do?
(There may be more than one correct answer.)
a) Talk to your manager about your concerns.
b) Resort to force
You are invited to talk to the Parliament. Which of the following questions might you be asked?
(there are 2.4 correct answers)
a. How was your weekend?
b) Have you ever been to Long Island?
c) How are things going over there at your government department, agencies or statutory body?
d) Are we at the end of history?
e) How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
You should not be responsive, responsible, accountable, transparent nor nice to old people in the workplace.
Fortunately all of my colleagues were able to pass this test. See how you go. The answers are in your mind.