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The Baby-Sitters Club as Parents

Friday June 3rd, 2016 in Baby-Sitters Club, Parenting | No Comments »

The Baby Parents ClubThe other day I was thinking that Claudia Kishi probably has Type 2 diabetes by now due to all the Twinkies and Hershey bars that she secreted from her room and then consumed. This is nice because it will really help her relate to her best friend Stacey.

That got me thinking that the Baby-Sitters Club members are also probably parents by now (assuming that time applies to them in the usual way, although it doesn’t. I do understand that they’ll be in eighth grade forever).

But let’s say they did grow up and reproduce this is what I imagine:

#1 Kristy’s Big Idea
Kristy creates a colour chart to map the activities of her high achieving children. This improves the efficiency of her household (although it’s really more of a business) by 92%.

#2 Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls
Claudia’s toddler, who has almond shaped eyes, keeps making ghost phone calls to people in her address book. This is hilarious! until he calls her new boyfriend from the bathroom while Claudia is doing a poo. Can a pair of fluorescent leggings and some wild earrings win back Claudia’s dignity?

#3 The Truth about Stacey
She has not done a sneeze without weeing for a decade.

#4 Mary Anne Saves the Day
A strange man is taking photos of children in the playground. Mary Anne films him at it and then posts the video on Facebook. The man is hounded out of Stoneybrook by an angry mob and dies alone. It turns out he was taking a photo of a park bench where he met his late wife. Still. Mary Anne is allowed to wear hair however she wants but she still prefers a manageable bob.

#5 Dawn and the Impossible Three
Dawn can’t flipping stand her mother’s group because they use controlled crying and feed their children non-organic food. Dawn cuts them with a knife.

#6 Kristy’s Big Day
Kristy’s son is headlining at his piano recital. Kristy wears a dress instead of a turtle neck and hates herself.

#7 Claudia and Mean Janine
Claudia’s sister Janine is always comparing their children and criticising Claudia’s parenting. Then Janine’s son is diagnosed with childhood depression and Claudia feels smug about it and keeps sending Janine links to mindfulness articles.

#8 Boy-Crazy Stacey
Stacey has an affair with her teenaged son’s friend. Some people are really judgey about it and she has to go to jail.

#9 The Ghost at Dawn’s House
Dawn wakes up in the night and can feel a ghostly presence at the end of her bed. It turns out to be her son holding a dead rabbit. This is not the first time Dawn has suspected he’s evil.

#10 Logan Likes Mary Anne
Mary Anne calls her first born son Logan. Will her husband Derek find out the truth behind why she chose that name? Probably not because he’s always ‘working late’ and never speaks to her. Oh well. At least someone called Logan still likes her.

How Modern Parenting Authors Are Getting it All Wrong

Sunday May 1st, 2016 in Parenting | No Comments »

If you’ve been into a modern book store recently, you will have noticed shelves upon shelves of parenting advice books. If you’ve browsed through them you may have realised that they contain wildly contradictory advice, bizarrely specific routines and provide little or no hard evidence for the opinions they present as facts.

You have also probably read opinion pieces in newspapers and on-line publications where so-called parenting experts deride the parenting of anyone who is not following their strictures. Suffering from border-line or full-blown god complexes these parenting authors believe they are the only ones with the correct formula for raising children, regardless of any evidence to the contrary.

In the past, parenting books were written by experts and contained advice and information based on empirical evidence and scientific knowledge. (Of course, there were a few small missteps like advising the use of whisky to help with teething and telling fathers not to do women’s work to avoid effeminising boys.) On the whole, the parenting books your grandparents had access to were wonderful, and the ones parents read today are awful.

In my 40 years as a Coach for Parenting Authors and their Publishers I have noticed a huge increase (I can’t say by how much, but trust me, it’s huge) in the number of publishers coming to me, at their wits end, not knowing how to cope with their parenting authors who are running amok.

Last week a woman sat in my office and sobbed. She is currently working with seven parenting advice authors. ‘They all say completely different things,’ she wept. I feel sorry for these publishers, but really it is all their own fault.

These days publishers work in a tough industry and are constantly busy. They are perfectionists and see their authors as a reflection of themselves. This leads them to spending too much time looking at their phones, and if they’re not doing that they are hot-housing or helicoptering their parenting authors.

Publishers sometimes say to me that authors will simply self-publish if they don’t work with them. This excuse is used to absolve themselves of any responsibility. No-one these days wants to take charge and make it clear to parenting authors that they need to STOP MAKING UNSUBSTANTIATED CLAIMS AND PRESENTING THEM AS FACT. It’s that simple.

Publishers these days also use too much tanbark in their offices, when we all know bitumen would be more appropriate below the monkey bars because nothing helps people learn better than an acquired brain injury.

The worst part about this situation is that no-one is benefiting. Modern publishers are at the end of their tether and modern parenting authors are teetering closer than they realise to collapse. Typically, after enjoying a period of supremacy most parenting authors are knocked off the perch by the next parenting guru. Having been mollycoddled with an ‘everybody gets a prize’ mentality from their publishers they are surprised to find that in the real world not everyone is interested in their minute by minute scheduling ideas and hard and fast rules about co-sleeping.

As a society we have let our parenting authors lose the plot. Let’s hope I can fix it.

Penny Tangey is the author of Save Our Contented Little Baby Whisperer.

Wasting time

Friday January 10th, 2014 in Parenting, Writing | No Comments »

I have a limited amount of time each day to write. I have to choose how I want to spend it.

The main thing that I feel I ‘should’ be writing is my next book. I’m writing my memoirs of working at a bacon factory over summer. The big advantage of a memoir is that I don’t have to think up names for characters or decide what happens next. I just look at my diary and write it up. I am very worried that this is going to result in a big mess with no plot and lots of upset friends and relatives. So I think I will fictionalise it later. I’m worried the whole thing is a big waste of time, but I thought that about my other three books as well.

But sometimes I use my writing time to do other things. Like writing a blog entry, or emailing a friend or making parody videos of cloth nappy reviews. I feel guilty about these activities, like they’ve taken me away from a more noble path. Then I remember that the more noble path is writing my memoirs of working in a bacon factory. So it probably doesn’t matter what I do really.

So here are the videos.