Home » Blog » Baby-Sitters Club

If the Baby-Sitters Club played netball

Friday May 4th, 2018 in Baby-Sitters Club, Netball, Sport | No Comments »

How did I only just think of this? Let’s not waste anymore time.

Kristy

Obviously, Kristy plays Centre.

During a close semi-final Kristy deliberately steps into the opposition goal circle to draw a free pass and prevent a shot at goal. Her plan works but her guilt at her own un-sportspersonlike behaviour takes a whole book to work through. #676 Kristy and the Umpire Who Should Have Called Advantage.

Mary Anne

Wing Attack. Because, you know, blah.

In #5456 Mary Anne Forgets her Netball Nicks, she and her steady boyfriend, Logan, start a mixed netball team to make their relationship stronger. Unfortunately, evil bitch Cookie is on the opposing team and dobs Mary Anne in for a uniform violation. Luckily, Logan sees through Cookie’s evil plan and they break her finger.

Stacey

Goal Attack. If you need me to explain why, it’s hard to understand why you’re reading this. Stacey is sophisticated AND up-herself.

Stacey has too many oranges. #43243 The Truth About Stacey is She Has Something Stuck in her Teeth.

Claudia

Goal Shooter – because she’s lazy, but useful.

Claudia wants to quit netball to concentrate on eating junk food and reading erotica. In #93402 Claudia and the Sad Shooting Percentage, Kristy finally replaces Claudia with her seven-year-old sister Karen Two-two. Unfortunately, Karen is also committed to another netball team and gets an ankle injury from pivoting too much. Kristy makes Claudia rejoin the team.

Dawn

Goal Defence – because she works hard and then judges.

In #3423964 Dawn Saves the Game, Dawn makes natural, chemical-free, organic deodorant for the whole team. They all pretend to wear it, and Dawn can’t smell herself, so she thinks it works.

Jessi

Goal Keeper – because Jessi is tall and graceful, and, as a ballet dancer, she can balance on one leg.

In #89042 Jessi and the Big Decision, Jessi is forced to choose between netball and ballet. She chooses ballet.

Mallory

Wing Defence. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.

In #4342 Mallory is Here If You Need, Mallory thinks her longed for chance to play Centre has arrived when Kristy is sidelined with hepatitis. But, instead, Kristy organises for Shannon to fill in. Mallory learns that she will never be important, just as she will never be older than eleven and get to baby-sit at night. She starts bringing the oranges.

If the Baby-Sitters Club was written by Enid Blyton

Thursday June 22nd, 2017 in Baby-Sitters Club, Enid Blyton | No Comments »

BSC by Enid Blyton

I’ve been dipping back into some Enid Blyton stories recently. It’s a little shocking because like most of us, I have been molly-coddled in recent times. Modern kids books are all like, “It’s okay to be different” and “Everybody is a good person really”.

Enid Blyton books are like, “Stop crying or I’ll hit you with my hockey stick again. No-one likes you for a very good reason, you’re different”. And, “These evil goblins are the end. Let’s steal all their stuff and run away”.

You see how much more fun reading was before people had feelings?

So because I can’t stop talking about ‘The Baby-Sitter’s Club‘ I have imagined what the BSC would be like if written by Enid Blyton.

Firstly, let’s be clear, no-one does any babysitting in Blyton’s books. Even the Famous Five’s only proper girl Ann was too busy for that. Enid Blyton characters are seeking adventure, or at the very least jolly japes. Snivelling younger children are a hindrance to crime solving, magical travel and midnight feasts and they are barely tolerated let alone sought out through advertising.

The Baby-Sitters Club is a character driven series so I below I have outlined how the BSC members would fit into a world of magical adventure, French lessons and pudding.

Kristy fits right in. Whether she’s flying around on the furniture, organising a raid on a cave of jewel smugglers, or developing close relationships in an all girls boarding school. It’s no problem.

Claudia is a jolly good sport who organises sausage sizzles at all hours of the night.

Stacey’s attention seeking fainting and clearly intentional diabetic comas earn the wrath of the other children who tick her off. Eventually Stacey learns to shut up and pretend to drink the ginger beer.

Mary Anne shuts herself in a cupboard after an own goal causes her hockey team to lose again. Her sobs alert the French teacher who gives the whole class detention. The other girls lock Mary Anne in the cupboard and she learns a lesson.

Dawn is very happy to climb trees and journey to magical lands because that is one of her main hobbies anyways. Dawn is an adventure loving traveller who can’t understand why the native fairy creatures don’t always appreciate her visits. When they are horrid she kicks them into the river and catches a magical escape route home.

Jessi…I don’t think she’s really in it to be honest. Don’t complain or you’ll be called political correctness gone mad.

Mallory makes the sandwiches.

This all makes sense and seems reasonable.

The Baby-Sitters Club as Parents

Friday June 3rd, 2016 in Baby-Sitters Club, Parenting | No Comments »

The Baby Parents ClubThe other day I was thinking that Claudia Kishi probably has Type 2 diabetes by now due to all the Twinkies and Hershey bars that she secreted from her room and then consumed. This is nice because it will really help her relate to her best friend Stacey.

That got me thinking that the Baby-Sitters Club members are also probably parents by now (assuming that time applies to them in the usual way, although it doesn’t. I do understand that they’ll be in eighth grade forever).

But let’s say they did grow up and reproduce this is what I imagine:

#1 Kristy’s Big Idea
Kristy creates a colour chart to map the activities of her high achieving children. This improves the efficiency of her household (although it’s really more of a business) by 92%.

#2 Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls
Claudia’s toddler, who has almond shaped eyes, keeps making ghost phone calls to people in her address book. This is hilarious! until he calls her new boyfriend from the bathroom while Claudia is doing a poo. Can a pair of fluorescent leggings and some wild earrings win back Claudia’s dignity?

#3 The Truth about Stacey
She has not done a sneeze without weeing for a decade.

#4 Mary Anne Saves the Day
A strange man is taking photos of children in the playground. Mary Anne films him at it and then posts the video on Facebook. The man is hounded out of Stoneybrook by an angry mob and dies alone. It turns out he was taking a photo of a park bench where he met his late wife. Still. Mary Anne is allowed to wear hair however she wants but she still prefers a manageable bob.

#5 Dawn and the Impossible Three
Dawn can’t flipping stand her mother’s group because they use controlled crying and feed their children non-organic food. Dawn cuts them with a knife.

#6 Kristy’s Big Day
Kristy’s son is headlining at his piano recital. Kristy wears a dress instead of a turtle neck and hates herself.

#7 Claudia and Mean Janine
Claudia’s sister Janine is always comparing their children and criticising Claudia’s parenting. Then Janine’s son is diagnosed with childhood depression and Claudia feels smug about it and keeps sending Janine links to mindfulness articles.

#8 Boy-Crazy Stacey
Stacey has an affair with her teenaged son’s friend. Some people are really judgey about it and she has to go to jail.

#9 The Ghost at Dawn’s House
Dawn wakes up in the night and can feel a ghostly presence at the end of her bed. It turns out to be her son holding a dead rabbit. This is not the first time Dawn has suspected he’s evil.

#10 Logan Likes Mary Anne
Mary Anne calls her first born son Logan. Will her husband Derek find out the truth behind why she chose that name? Probably not because he’s always ‘working late’ and never speaks to her. Oh well. At least someone called Logan still likes her.