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1996 Dolly Horoscope

March 31st, 2019

Cover Dolly magazine. Woman with blonde hair crouching wearing an orange jacket.

A friend recently gave me a 1996 copy of Dolly that she found in her possessions.

This is a particularly thoughtful gift for two reasons: I was never allowed to have magazines growing up, and I love mocking things.

I’ve found many points of interest in the June 1996 Dolly magazine. Dolly Doctor has the usual rainbow of bodily discharges, the agony aunt gives some very racist dating advice and you had to call a phone number to vote in the Biggest Babe competition. The article ‘Is he lusting after you?’ contains 50 sure-fire signs to tell if a guy has the hots for you, including “he phones you” and “he doesn’t phone you” which has been a weird way to find out that every single man on the planet is lusting after me.  There’s a picture of a woman wearing white knitted shorts, which you don’t see often probably because of pilling and discharges.

That’s all well and good, but I feel it’s strayed too far from the topic of me, which brings me to the horoscopes.

I have never found astrology to be very uncannily accurate, but perhaps that’s because I’ve always been too close to events to be objective. With the benefit of more than twenty years of distance I want to reflect on my June 1996 Dolly horoscope (Leo), and analyse it against events in the my diary from that month.

Your social side really takes over this month, and friends become much more important.

It’s pretty hard to assess the relative importance of friends but what’s a KPI for if not to measure the unmeasurable for reasons no-one can remember? I will use the total number of friend mentions as an indicator of their importance to me.

In May 1996 I mentioned two friends.

In June 1996 I mentioned eight friends.

This is a quadrupling on the friendship-importance-o-metre. Well done horoscope. TICK.

New friendships with people who have loads of personality will start to take off.

I don’t mention any new friendships but on 9 June I updated my “list of 5 favourite people”. Confusingly, in a preamble to the list I write, “Just because someone is on my list of favourite people, doesn’t mean I like them the most, or indeed like them at all.” So, it’s debatable whether this list is a reliable friendships-taking-off indicator but I’ll leave that one for the auditors.

I culled four people from the list and added four new people. The lucky four new favourites were my dance teacher, the boy I had a crush on, and two girls from school who were very funny. These people never talked to me unless they were being paid. Naughty horoscope. FAIL.

There’s a tricky, intense situation with a friendship after the 15th but you both have to realise that there’s a bigger need for space and freedom in your lives these days.”

Could this refer to the fact that my dance teacher went to Ireland and we had a replacement dance teacher for a couple of weeks? No, as above, we don’t define people paid to talk to me as friends. FAIL.

To double your luck, try to involve friends or groups of people in your biggest plans, as they stand a better chance of working out.

This is more advice than a prediction, but it’s like giving comb-selection tips to a hairless cat. My only plan was to have my pen-friend come and visit me in the holidays. I wanted her to meet the boy I had a crush on (which would have been tricky because I never spoke to him). She told me he was the last person she wanted to meet. FAIL.

If you’re single, consider an eccentric guy, or a weird plan.

(See above). TICK.

So it’s a 40% success rate which is a big fail unless you’re in specialist maths and it might be okay after scaling.

In conclusion, horoscopes are a nonsense (or their uncanny accuracy takes longer than 23 years to emerge).

Posted in Diaries, School

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